nutritional nugget therapy

I am not the best cook and my kids are not the best eaters and this is not a winning combination. This is probably my cosmic retribution for being a total know-it-all before I had kids. When he was a baby, my nephew suffered from a rare form of Epilepsy known as Infantile Spasms. I had never heard of it before, and honestly, when my sister first told me about it, I thought it was another one of her whimsical Web MD diagnoses (she is convinced I have Multiple Sclerosis, Aspergers, and several other rare diseases). But it was legit, and her alarmist tendencies were probably life-saving in this instance!

Anyway, because of his medical issues, my nephew was on this crazy ketogenic diet, and after that he became the world's pickiest eater. For a while, he subsisted on a diet of instant oatmeal and M&M's. I gave my sister flak but she swore that was all he would eat. I said "If he gets hungry enough, he'll eat real food." Ha. Well. This is (probably) true. But what I didn't know is that between the steps "Deny child food he wants" and "Child is finally hungry enough to eat the food you want him to," there are seventeen increasingly painful and tortuous levels of hangry hell.

Karma, you clever minx.

I have tried to get my own kids to eat a diverse and flavorful array of grown up foods because "They" say if you introduce foods enough times, kids will finally come to accept them. Well, I don't know what that magic number is, but I can tell you it is more than 4,733.

Eventually the pendulum swung in the other direction. "Fine!" I said. "Eat chicken nuggets and pasta with butter for the rest of your lives. Sure! Let's see how long you can survive on condiments alone!" It got to where I would make one meal for the kids, and make something different for us grown-ups. If anything's worse than making dinner, it's making two, separate dinners! But at least the kids actually ate. Until they didn't.

I finally realized that kids are going to eat, or not eat, at their whim. You can't MAKE them eat, and attempts to do so will drive you INSANE. But there are a few things you can do to make meal time slightly less stressful, sometimes, when the little gremlins are amenable.

First, let them "help" make dinner. And by help, I mean, make things three-to-five times slower and more difficult for you. Seriously though, they get a lot more excited about eating it when they were invested in the preparation process.

Second, always put something on their plate that you know they will eat. (For me, this is actually nearly impossible, because my kids will only eat chicken nuggets on alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays when Venus is in retrograde. Pizza will be consumed when heated exactly to 99.2 degrees, and covered by 2.7 pepperonis spaced at least one inch apart. Only organic quinoa fusilli or "wegular" spaghetti (NOT Angel Hair) with clarified Irish grass-fed butter will do. Baby carrots if they are perfectly symmetrical and don't "look weird." Persian cucumbers hand-delivered from Iran. Cheese of any kind except on major holidays and full moons. And, almost always, yogurt.)

Third, trick them into thinking they have some sort of say in what's for dinner. For example, let them choose between two meal options (Here's a tip: Let them take turns choosing on alternate days, or flip a coin, because it is physically impossible for two (or more) children to agree on anything, ever.) Let them serve themselves. Let them omit their least favorite side. Etc.

Fourth, don't stress too much. I've come to realize that the more worked up I get about my kids eating a perfectly balanced meal, the less likely they are to actually do so. Choose your battles. They probably aren't going to starve.

Fifth, try to make it fun. Now, I know what you're thinking. "MAKE IT FUN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAKE IT FUN?! I actually MADE dinner, instead of ordering pizza or hitting the In-n-Out drive-thru, so I basically think I deserve a medal, and now you're telling me I have to make paper cranes with my kids napkins, flambe their fish sticks, and juggle their tangerines?! Yeah, no. Why don't you take your little dog and pony show to the circus, where it belongs." And I hear you. I do.

But. IF you have a little spare time and can afford to use a little cookie cutter on fruit and sandwiches, or even use fun little food picks and colorful serving trays, kids eat that stuff up (literally!)

Bento Picks

Silicone Baking Cups

To that end, (and because yogurt squeezies are one of the few things my children will reliably eat), I took the Chobani Kids challenge, which is all about encouraging a healthy lifestyle and proper nutrition.

Here is a super easy craft that your kids will love, that makes eating one of their favorite snacks that much more fun. It will also negate the need to hand-feed them a yogurt tube like a baby lamb because it is TOO COLD TO HOLD.

Step 1: Buy some felt. (Or, conveniently have a giant pile in your erstwhile craft closet.)

Step 2: Cut felt to proper yogurt squeezy koozy dimensions. (I just folded it around a yogurt tube and eyeballed it, this isn't rocket science).

Step 3: Use special "felt glue" (also conveniently located in neglected craft closet) to glue the edges together. (If you are super crafty and have access to a sewing machine, that would probably be a quick and more durable way to do this, but I didn't/don't, so glue it is).

Step 4: While waiting for the glue to dry, cut a bunch of little strips/shapes for decorating the koozies.

Step 5: Realize that fancy felt glue doesn't work at all. (Which may or may not be because you didn't read the directions.) Resort to SuperGlue (or The Kragle, as my kids call it).

Step 5a: DO NOT LET KIDS HAVE THE KRAGLE!!!

Step 6: Let kids go to town with felt strips, stickers, and adhesive bedazzlation. (Then, if you're anything like me, put the kids to bed and get down with some glitter glue and your bad self ;))

Step 7: Voila! Cute little yogurt koozies. The kids "super much" love their "beautifow yogut life savers." (In case you can't tell, we're into Star Wars around here ;))

Happy Nerf herding!

Sorry about the mess.

May the force be with you.

PS, Step 8: Realize, after looking at 4 different stores, the product you THOUGHT you were pimping may or may not even exist anymore. Find out that the product you're SUPPOSED to be pimping is these handy-dandy yogurt pouches. Take quick pictures with your phone as an afterthought, koozy-free, because Mama ain't got time for two rounds of craft wars in one week.

FYI, the kids were legitimately stoked on these Chobani Kids yogurt pouches, not least because Spiderman is on the front. They both requested them in their lunch boxes this morning. Which is in strict violation of the superhero stoppage at the preschool but oh well, I am NOT going to argue if my kids are requesting to eat something healthy!

This is what happens when I try to be a real blogger.

Lesson learned ;)

Dah Incredibow Huck

Our Jackaroo spent all weekend asserting that The Incredible Hulk is not, in fact, a superhero. (Or, as his sister refers to it, Dah Incredibow Huck.) DM tried to show him the error of his ways but at some point realized the futility of arguing with a 4 year old. On Monday morning, we come to find out that he was just laying the groundwork for "The Ask" - bringing his Incredible Hulk water bottle to the superhero Nazi preschool. The Incredible Hulk is not a superhero, ipso facto, no rules are violated by bringing the Hulk water bottle to school. Of course DM loves any excuse to "stick it to the man, " even in the form of a superhero lunchbox sortie. So he dutifully packed the not-so-jolly green giant. And, apparently, at school, Jack made an impassioned plea on Dah Huck's behalf, with a well-reasoned, multi-pronged argument that would've made his lawyer parents proud. Still, at pickup, Mom got a friendly reminder re: preschool paladin protocol. Jack was undeterred, though. On the way home from school he says, "Well, Mommy. Darf Vadah is definitely NOT a supah hewo."

Love this by GoGoBookart on Etsy

 

may the 4th be with you

the boy is four today. i was feeling a tad weepy about the whole thing yesterday but then last night he woke up literally eleven times between 2 and 5am because, gnats. (okay, in his defense, 3 of those 11 times were for a shrieking/tweeting smoke alarm because when the F else do smoke alarms go off except between 2 and 5am?! after that he was on HIGH ALERT for any and all miniscule winged insects.) anyway. i'm feeling a little better about things today because clearly he is still my giant baby. but, four, people. f-o-u-r. they just grow up so fast. ;)

we had a party for him on Saturday. i was a bit worried about how it would all turn out. the logistics were a little nuts because work and life are crazy for both DM and me, and on top of that, it was a joint birthday party, which brought in a whole host of new etiquette and party planning challenges. do you invite all the kids in the preschool class? i know that's the polite thing to do, but there are 24 of them, and some of them punch my kid in the face on a regular basis. then add in friends and family for BOTH kids? that's like, a guest list equal to the population of delaware, and our house isn't that big. even with our seriously pared down roster, we ended up with about thirty people, thirteen of which were kids. that's a lot of kids. it is a small miracle that our swimming pool survived free of feces.

then there was this weird "do you have to buy a present for the kid you've never met before in your life?" issue... where's ann landers when i need her?

also, we don't really know our co-hosts all that well. i mean, they're great. but we've really only hung out together twice and one of those times colby puked all over their house. and now we're planning a party together. so it was interesting. i had to walk a fine line between fulfilling my control freak psycho pinterest party planning dreams, and causing the other mom to call 911 and recommend me for an involuntary psychiatric hold. "you're going to BUY cupcakes? from SAFEWAY? with GREEN SPRINKLES????... um... okay... that sounds perfect!" quick! someone help me hack into safeway's customer database and change the order. green sprinkles, god forbid! ;)

it was actually really good for me. i should always have a co-host to counteract my crazy. of course it's all relative. when they came over in the morning the other mom started in with the "oh i'm such a bad mom, you did all this stuff and i just went to Costco!" then she told me that she's not crafty, but she's a cook, so whenever she hosts at her place she feels obligated to cook for three days prior. (and i believe her. the one time they had us over she made delectable black bean burgers from scratch, and hand-hewn quinoa guacamole with a mortar and pestle.) i assured her that cooking healthy and delicious comestibles is a much more useful skill than being able to craft light sabers from various food stuffs and items from the seasonal aisle at target.

anyway, i "only" stayed up until 2am getting things ready. and all-in-all our joint venture was a great success! except for that part at 1am when DM took a break between two television shows to critique my pretzel light sabers: "the light part needs to be longer."

poor DM. he wasn't able to make it to the party. he mysteriously disappeared, and was later found at the bottom of a shark-infested body of water, dipped in chocolate, with a pretzel light saber lodged in his aorta ;)

then my dear husband called me Lord Business all morning because, in my persistent irrationality, i wanted the decorations and party favors to remain intact at least until the guests arrived. silly me. what was i thinking? for those of you who aren't familiar with the Lego Movie, "Lord Business" is will farell's character and - spoiler alert - at the end you find out he's a dad who won't let his kid play with his legos:

The Man Upstairs: You know the rules, this isn't a toy!
Finn: Um... it kind of is.
The Man Upstairs: No, actually it's a highly sophisticated inter-locking brick system.
Finn: But we bought it at the toy store.
The Man Upstairs: We did, but the way I'm using it makes it an adult thing.
Finn: The box for this one said "Ages 8 to 14"!
The Man Upstairs: That's a suggestion. They have to put that on there.

i have to admit, i closely identify with will farell's character ;)

i also briefly questioned my choice of party favors when there was an all out pool-noodle light saber civil war, but thankfully there were no casualties.

mommy had way too much fun making pool noodle light sabers ;)

 

oh yeah, and, it was a pool party. but it was raining. like real, legitimate rain. in san diego. in august. turns out four-year-olds could not care less! as my grandma says, "you're not sugar, you won't melt."

as usual, grandma was right :)

co-host: should we have adult beverages?
me: was that a rhetorical question?

oh yeah. then. today. jack wanted to bring the avengers birthday card he got from his grandpa in for show-and-tell. but, being my son, he is very aware of the school's strict superhero censorship, and did not want to violate preschool protocol. his teacher's comment yesterday that captain America is "scary" only served to underline his concern. so he suggested that we bring in the birthday card, but cover up the scary parts. a clever compromise, i thought.

happy birthday to my boy. may the force be with you, always, except when aiming light-saber-y things at your little sister's dome.