Wednesday, April 30, 2014

go SHAWTY

correction:

on march 28, 2014, i published a post titled "go charlotte, it's yo berfday" regarding the 2nd birthday party i threw for my daughter. my daughter's name is colby, not charlotte. the title of the post was actually inspired by the 50 cent song, "In Da Club," in which i thought he said, "go charlotte, it's yo berfday." but, apparently, he says "go shorty." who knew?! learn somethin' new every day!

in this vein... if you're bored, google #MisheardLyrics it's pretty funny.

i just thought he wanted to wish charlotte a happy birthday.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

you mad, bro?

why is the internet so crabby? i feel as though that "grumpy cat" meme perfectly personifies (catifies?) the interwebs.


having a good day? here. let the world wide web piss on your parade.


i guess i should be thankful that my blog is not popular enough to attract it's own trolls. but i still come across it all the time.

"i love being a mom. it's the best thing EVER."
internet: smug bitch. correction. smug lying bitch.

"my children are slowly driving me insane."
internet: are you saying you don't love your children? children are a blessing.
i can't even have children. how do you think that makes me feel?
i was planning on having children. but that blog post just totally ruined it for me. thanks a lot.
children are a gift from GOD. ARE YOU SAYING YOU HATE GOD???!!!

"awww. look at this funny, touching video about how being a mom is a hard work."
internet: whatever. being a mom is not even the toughest job in the world. there are several jobs that violate international labor standards that are WAY harder.
anyway. what are you saying. that you view your children as a JOB?
and do you mean to imply that women cannot do meaningful work outside the private sphere?
and what about women that don't have children? are OUR jobs less important than YOUR job?
and you call yourself a feminist. you should be ashamed of yourself.
and what about DADS, huh?! do you hate men?! i feel sorry for your husband. you obviously suck in bed.

"awww. look at this awesome makeover of a homeless veteran."
internet: whoopity-doo. you gave the guy a freakin' haircut. i'll be sure to notify the nobel prize committee. you are aware there are 57, 848 other homeless veterans, aren't you? are you going to give them makeovers, too? or at least a sandwich? or are you just going to let them starve to death while this dude chillaxes at supercuts?!

"awww. look at these kind strangers responding to this lonely old man who didn't want to spend Christmas alone."
internet: nice. now he's a lonely old man with a shit ton of mail from people he doesn't even know.

"omg! i invented a vaccine for the common cold!"
internet: talk to me when you cure cancer. oh, and p.s., vaccines cause autism. haven't you ever heard of jenny mccarthy?

"look at this sweet video of pharrell reacting to people around the world singing 'happy'"
internet: that's a conspiracy propagated by mainstream media in order to effectuate their evil plan for world domination through mind control. like that song "relax" in zoolander.
also, oprah is the antichrist.

"you guys! a baby napping with a puppy!"

source: http://instagram.com/mommasgonecity/#
internet: i'm allergic to dogs. and children.

"okayyyy. how about... THIS:"

bunnies too. or ginormous gerbils. or rodents of unusual size. whatever that thing is, i'm definitely allergic to it. also i'm pretty sure that is not politically correct. you just handed the latino vote to ted cruz. way to go.

THROW ME A F*CKING BONE, PEOPLE.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

C U Next ... Wednesday

my grandmother always told me, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

sorry, grams.

daycare. those people have really hard jobs. i mean, REALLY hard. there are like 497 other jobs in the world that i would rather do. and i'm so glad that there are some people patient/kind/crazy enough to do this job more or less willingly. we really are so "#blessed" to have found a daycare provider where colby is loved and well-taken care of. she really loves "matty," as she calls him, and linda, the father-daughter daycare team. when i drop her off she is happy as a clam. honestly. drop offs with jack are like a bad high school break up, every single day. colby does not give even a single shit. she's like, peace out! and though she's usually excited to see me, the other day she started SOBBING in the car because she didn't want to leave "her linda," which made me feel AWESOME, believe you me. but, while it did sting a bit, it also made me thankful, because growing up i was lucky enough to lurve our after-school daycare lady and i think it made the whole working-parents thing that much easier on me.

but. i must admit. linda occasionally gets on my nerves. i have a feeling it's one of those situations where she's already under my skin so everything she does is just disproportionately annoying as shit, though she is guilty of a couple of legitimate transgressions. in any event, this occurrence really chapped my hide. am i overreacting? most likely. but i'll let you be the judge.

hate is too strong a word. i just didn't feel like making a new e-card.
as you may or may not know, DM and i are currently getting our a$$es handed to us by Life. as such, we asked one of our date night babysitters to help us pick up some of the slack this week. when I dropped colby off monday morning, i informed linda that jenny, the babysitter, would be picking her up that evening, as well as the next two days. linda makes this face:


and says, "really? wow. hmmm. okayyyy." then she yells into the kitchen at her father: "hey dad! did you hear that? apparently colby's getting picked up by a babysitter this week." ummmm, yeah. sorry that i have a job and an employer who is not my father and silly little things like bills to pay and mouths to feed. thanks though! what i really needed this sunshine-y monday morning was for someone who is 29 and does not have children and lives with (and is employed and provided room and board by) her parents to sit in not-so-silent judgment of my parenting prowess.

then she says, "well, make sure you tell her to come around the side gate because last week when your sister came [because you suck at motherhood and you couldn't pick colby up yourself then, either (okay, she didn't say that part, that is my own internal mom-guilt generator speaking)] she came to the front door and rang the doorbell." *GASP* THE HORROR.

then, i go drop jack at school and tell the school's administrator that our babysitter will be picking jack up from school through wednesday. i informed her that i wasn't sure whether or not i'd included jenny on the original "not a kidnapper" list. so we go back to her office and she's flipping through the big binder and she says, "bella, bella... what's bella's last name?" me: "um, it's jackson, actually." her: "oooh yeah! jackson! jackson....." me: "cheeseman." her: "got it! the reason I thought you were bella's mom is because she's pregnant, too!"

i'm not pregnant. i haven't been pregnant in two years. i didn't think i looked pregnant. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a kangaroo pouch and i had my keys in it so maybe it just looked like i had a tiny lumpy baby in there. i don't know. maybe i need to lay off the cheese.

so that was fun.

and while we're on the subject of mom guilt. i just texted my sister, who is the room mom for my nephew's kindergarten class, and told her to make sure that she doesn't make working parents feel like assholes. this was prompted after receiving the fifth email in 48 hours from the self-appointed room mom from jack's class regarding the "book faire-with-an-E" at the preschool and the need for volunteers. don't get me wrong. i think it's super duper amazing that people have the time and energy and inclination to help out for nothing other than crooked smiles and crappy coffee. but, i'm not not-volunteering because i'm having a spa day. i'm working. and i have used every single "get out of work free" card i have, and then some, over the past weeks and months for various and sundry momergencies. when i emailed back to let her know that it's really hard for either DM or I to help out during business hours, she replied that the 5 o'clock slot was available. oh. i'm sorry. i meant lawyers' hours. not bankers' hours. and when i finally do arrive to pick J up, it's with my littlest curly dimpled lunatic in tow, and they both need SNAAAAACKS and mama has to make DINNERRRRRR while fending off the restless natives, then force-feed said natives said dinner, then give them baths aka water torture... so unless YOU want to watch my kids while i volunteer at the book fairE ... no, i apologize, i'm not going to be able to swing it this time.

can you tell i'm a little grumpy? well. it's partly because i've been mostly single-momming it for the past little while as my fancy lawyer husband is furiously busy doing fancy lawyer things. which is really freaking hard. in my opinion, single parents are the strongest bravest people on earth. BUT. have you ever noticed that when you are forced to do everything yourself, and you know you just have to f*cking handle it, you're actually better at it? like somehow, by taking away the crutch of relying on the other person, you get superpowers? not to mention negating any resentment you might normally harbor when your partner doesn't live up to your fairsy-wairsy expectations of the parenting quid pro quo. i find it very interesting, BUT IN NO WAY DOES THIS MEAN I WANT IT TO BE A REGULAR OCCURRENCE. i think, in part, it's also easier because i know it's going to end in a day or a week or whatever. if that was the status quo i might just die.

another reason i'm a crabby patty is that i haven't been sleeping because, in addition to my crazy ass insomnia, we have dreadful DEVIL BIRD living in the tree outside our bedroom. i think it's just one even though is sounds like the f*cking philharmonic of the amazon rainforest. seriously. and it only sings the songs of its people between 1 and 3 am.

i am seriously going to kill a f*cking mockingbird
i'll end on a high note though! coming home to happy little children who have already been fed and bathed and pj-fied and are playing contentedly in their craft corner? best. thing. EVER. i wish i could afford to do this EVERY night! it's funny. my mother-in-law grew up in a wealthy family in iran. her dad had multiple wives and the whole bit. she tells some awesome stories. they had a "staff," just as i've always dreamed - shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening - DONE. and she had a nanny/nurse who basically raised her. her mother generally only dealt with them when they were on their very best behavior. before i had kids i remember thinking, oh, that is so sad, i would never ever let someone else raise my children. and of course i still feel that way. except when i don't.

sometimes, sometimes, i am well rested and well fed and my "to do" list isn't 13 miles long and i can afford to see the ugly parts of parenting for what they are - dips and curves on this wild rollercoaster ride that i wouldn't trade for the world. or better yet, i have the energy and creativity and wherewithal to expertly sidestep at least some of the potholes. but other times, i feel as though it would be quite nice to outsource all the crappy parts so that i could just be fun mom. happy mom. attentive mom. snuggly mom. let someone else handle the cooking and the cleaning and the dinner diplomacy and the bedtime battles. i will do family snuggles and story time and sunday mornings and summer evenings and beach days and backyard adventures. and naps. i am AWESOME at naps.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

IMperfectionist - My Messy, Beautiful


I have a confession to make. I am one of Those People. Correction. I used to be one of Those PeopleBack in the day, my house was very, very clean. I made annual contributions to my IRA. I could speak intelligently about things. All that crazy crafty stuff on Pinterest? I actually did it. "Oh, where did you get that adorable tutu/headband/burlap banner/custom invite/themed cake topper?" Me, demurring, "Oh, this old thing? I just, ahem, y'know, made it. Painstakingly. By hand." I sent personalized photo thank you cards, and never forgot a birthday. My wardrobe was arranged by season, type, and color. I know this will not endear me to my mommy-blogger brethren, but I never wore yoga pants to anywhere but yoga. I actually went to yoga. And underneath my non-stretchy-pants? Cute matching bra and underwear. Always. 

Fast forward four years. 

The laundry is never, ever done. I clean like a madwoman before someone comes over just so I can say, "Sorry about the mess." My IRA receives all the attention of a red-headed stepchild. My IQ is the square root of what it used to be. And Crafty McCrafterson has gone into early retirement. Her remaining useful life has been wholly usurped by Etsy. I still have thousands of yards of tulle and drawers of scrapbook paper and every single finish of Mod Podge, but much like my IRA, it just sits there collecting dust. When April 1st came and went, I tossed my lengthy Christmas Thank You Card To Do List into the trash. My grandmother is probably rolling over in her grave. 

I still don't wear yoga pants out and about, but that is mainly because I am quite certain my bargain basement pantalones provide less a$$-masking than their pricey Lululemon counterparts, which is not a lot. I haven't worked out in eons, unless you count dead-lifting angry toddlers. And matching undergarments? Fuhgeddaboutit. The other day I realized I had been wearing my underwear backwards AND inside-out, all day, which is a feat, because they were thongs. And this is not an uncommon occurrence. And while we're on the subject of a day spent with thong underwear up your front-butt, I recently adopted a new credo: Life's too short for uncomfortable underpants. My twenty-two-year-old self is ashamed. 

I don't know when exactly this happened. It wasn't even when I had Jack. I was still able to hold it together for a while after that. But sometime in the last year or two, I just hit a wall. I am maxed out

I don't want to sound like Gwyneth Paltrow here: Oh woe is me, my privileged life is so hard. It's all relative. I am well aware that, in the grand scheme of things, I am pretty darn lucky. See Fig. 1, below. 

We have jobs. We have (some) money. We have family and friends that love us. And we are a "We." I am (usually) not doing this alone. My husband is an awesome dad and partner and friend. Someone mows our lawn and cleans our house once a week. I order 76% of the things in my life online and they are delivered to my doorstep free of charge. Sometimes even my groceries. I know. Did I ever tell you the story about the time I saw the UPS guy outside of Barnes & Noble, and he said to me, "Wow! I didn't know you shopped anywhere other than Amazon." OMG. I have no idea why he would say that... 

"Oh, do you own a business that requires the frequent shipment and receipt of goods?" Uh, NOPE. Just further proof that you can't underestimate American inertia (or blatant consumerism). P.S. If I ever get divorced, my husband will probably use this photo as evidence. Drives him NUTS. But unless he's going to go to Target and Buy Buy Baby for car seats and diapers and birthday gifts and replacement blankies and skateboard helmets and baseball bats and shin guards and "ironing man" electric toothbrushes (they exist) and new kids' clothes because they grow when you blink and SOCKS because WHERE do all of the socks go?!? ... 
But somehow, in spite of all of that convenience and good fortune, I am still just hanging on by a thread. I honestly do not understand how everyone else in the world just handles their sh*t. Maybe they actually don't? That is what I like to tell myself anyway.

It's funny. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse, but I somehow project a greater level of "having my sh*t together-ed-ness" than I actually possess. This is not a new phenomenon. I remember in law school, we had this moot court thing and I was sweating BALLS and felt like I was 2.3 seconds away from passing out, but afterwards everyone said, "Wow! You crushed it! How do you stay so calm?!" I was like, ummmm, if your definition of calm involves dinner-plate-sized sweat stains through-and-through a gabardine wool suit, then yes, I am one cool cucumber! 

But even now, I am regularly accused of being totally on top of it. It boggles my mind. Even by people that know me fairly well. My own father, for example. He recently said to me: "Well, I never worry about you because you are so good at taking care of yourself and everyone else." (He also thinks I have thick skin, am super social, and easily make friends, "Like [my] mom." Pretty much wrong on all counts!) And on my birthday one of my BFFs sent me this sweet message about how I'm so good at balancing life. I mean. I am so thankful they think so well of me, but then I'm thinking, DO YOU NOT SEE ME DROWNING HERE, PEOPLE?! 

And I don't think anyone can accuse me of hiding the ball. My entire blog is about how life and motherhood have their way with me on a daily basis. But apparently people think I'm just being self-deprecating for comedic effect? Well. Let me take this opportunity to dispel any myths: I. Am. Strugglin'. I can't even call it a balancing act because that would imply that I have some sort of grasp on all of the sharp, spinning facets of my life, and that would be false. 

I hardly recognize myself anymore. But you know what? This is me. The New Me. Take it or leave it. 

My family? They are legally obligated to love me, no matter what. And my old friends? They're grandfathered in. They knew me back when I actually, legitimately, had my sh*t together and was fun and still had some brain cells and never ever had shrinky-dink Cheerios spot-welded to my t-shirt. So I feel like I get some carryover cred for that. I also have all sorts of dirt and have held all their hairs while they puked so they're not goin' anywhere ;) But what about new friends? Those two scary words: Mom friends. What about them? 

The thing is, I'm just too tired to pretend. There aren't enough hours in the day. And the hours minutes seconds I do have? I don't want to spend them cleaning something that will get messy again in 46 seconds, or making a tutu I could purchase and have delivered to my door for $8. The concept of opportunity cost has become very real to me since I made tiny humans. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but there really is nowhere else I'd rather be. Except maybe in bed, with a good book. And a grilled cheese sandwich. But dusting? Properly folding fitted sheets? Alphabetizing my spice rack? I would honestly prefer to play seventeen back-to-back-to-back games of Chutes & Ladders. 

The challenge, now, in addition to learning to love and accept my own New Me, is finding others that will love and accept The New Me, too. Toeing that line between "getting REAL," and getting a call from CPS and/or County Mental Health Services. It's scary, right? To put yourself out there like that, and hope that others are equally willing to let their messy, crazy, beautiful show. But I can't be the only one. Can I? :)   
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