all growed up

I will consider myself to be a fully fledged adult when:

I floss.

I can properly ration hot sauce for the duration of a burrito.

I can patiently wait until the pizza is not as hot as hades before I take a bite.

I can patiently wait for anything.

I can make the proper amount of spaghetti for a family of four, rather than a family of forty-four.

I can eyeball the amount of leftovers and choose the correct size storage container.

I know how long to microwave leftovers, without nuking the shit out of them.

I can use superglue without adhering my fingers to inanimate objects or each other. 

I can hear/speak the words Seaman, balls, and Count Duuku with a straight face. 

I can finish projects more than 13 seconds before they are due.

I have a working knowledge of how to fight laundry stains and fold fitted sheets.

I can do a load of laundry, start-to-finish, without anything ending up irrevocably wrinkly, smelling of mildew, having to be washed or dried more than once, and/or sitting folded in a leaning tower of Pisa for 3 weeks.

I can cook without measuring every 1/4 teaspoon or consulting the recipe 97 times.

I don't eat Skippy, Nutella or marshmallow fluff standing over the sink with a spoon. 

I don't hide candy from my children/husband... So that I can eat it myself.

I can buy a dessert that contains multiple servings without consuming it all in one sitting "so that I won't be tempted to eat it tomorrow." 

I don't say "Holy shit, I'm a mom," at least once a day.

I can keep up with regular maintenance of my car, my teeth, and my vagina.

I stop breaking out like a teenager.

I can accurately track my menstrual cycle and/or reliably have tampons when I need them.

I don't dig clothes out of the laundry hamper to wear to work.

I can unpack immediately following a trip instead of leaving a suitcase full of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor until the next time I have to travel.

I am not caught off guard every. single. time. the gas gauge is on E. like, "what the...?! again?!"

I can keep the fridge and pantry well-stocked, which means never running out of milk and having to serve dry cereal for breakfast.

I can actually prepare and serve the fresh food items I purchase, rather than letting 73% of them rot into foul and unrecognizable substances at the bottom of the vegetable bin.

I can provide home-cooked meals for my family every night without wanting to hang myself with al dente linguine.

And when I don't feel like cooking and we eat out, I can calculate the tip without using a calculator or making my brain hurt.

DM and I can wake up before the kids to make lunches, tidy the house, and do other grown up things, rather than using our kids as alarm clocks.

I can comfortably plan for my kids' college funds and my husband's and my retirement, as opposed to being proud of ourselves for paying off the credit card each month.

I can shop at real grown up stores instead of everything in my life being delivered in brown cardboard boxes by the UPS guy.

I can get in an elevator with my boss without getting the insta-sweats and saying something RE-diculous.

I can engage in "small talk" without looking like I am mentally challenged:
Me: How's it going?
Them: Good, and you?
Me: Friday.

I don't have to hold my pants shut with hair ties.

I stop shopping in the "juniors" section.

I wear something other than flip flops to work.

I get to sit at the "grown ups" table at holidays.

I come to grips with the fact that I am at least a decade older than the hot new Hollywood heartthrobs, and I am no longer the target audience for those angsty coming-of-age films.

I stop freaking out when doctors, lawyers, teachers, etcetera are younger than me.

I can be honest with the stylist when I hate my haircut, rather than pretending I love it and then crying in the car.

I know how to do cute things with my daughter's hair. Me: "So, sweet pea, do you want barrettes? Or do you want barrettes?"

I make fun of DM for losing his wallet and car keys all the damn time, but I literally lose my CAR in the parking garage almost daily so I really shouldn't judge. Those seem like things grown ups should be able to keep track of.

.... In other words ... I'm never gonna grow up!

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How about you? What abilities/talents/basic survival skills do you hope to master when you grow up? ;)