cheers, beers, and 40 years

Yesterday was my husband's 40th birthday. We took the afternoon off and went to the horse races and won enough money to buy one-and-a-half overpriced cocktails. I tried to drum up some pithy post, but per usual as of late, I came up empty handed.

Dr. Crabby, my alter ego.

My only profound revelations were:

1) We'll never be too old to pre-party in the parking lot.
2) We'll never be so rich that $16 dollar drinks don't seem like a total rip off.
3) I already knew I married a giant man-child, and had long given up the ghost of him "growing up," (which, though it often drives me insane, is part of why I love him - he prevents me from evolving entirely into the 98 year old woman I am at heart). But I think I am ready to stop waiting for the day when I am knighted as a real-life grown-up, when I officially "arrive" at adulthood. I'm starting to think this is an elusive and mythical destination. I, personally, have never had less of a clue what in the Sam Hill I was doing in my life. But you know what? That's okay. I'm learning to roll with it.

"You're in pretty good shape for the shape that you're in."

Oh. This might be one of those "had to be there" things, but, after the races we went out to dinner. We were sitting across the table from our two cousins, and there was a mirror in the wall behind them. Being vain, I was sort of covertly checking myself out in the mirror and I was thinking, dang! My arms look good! Must be that 7 minute workout I did that one time! And when did I get so tan?!

Then I realized it was a window not a mirror.

"My hair looks awesome today! Oh, wait..."
My tanner fitter doppelganger definitely thought I was a big weirdo.  

Also, remember these?

Hopefully this candy is not actually from 1975.

Remember when they used to make candy in the shape of cigarettes? Can you imagine what internet moms would do if these were sold in candy shops today? The 21st century has zero chill ;)

DM's gifts from my sister and bro-in-law. Personally I would have gone with Werther's Originals instead of Almond Roca but still, solid showing, Sis. "Apparently God put in-laws on this Earth to make you feel special on your birthday." -DM

That picture actually reminds me. I don't know why I have this recurring theme of Depends in my life. But anyway. Before I had my first child, a dear cousin-in-law told me to get Depends and wear them to the hospital, and post-delivery as well. She just said it was a lot more comfortable and less messy and saved you from ruining your underwear. So, I followed her direction. And I showed up to the hospital and they got me into a gown and the nurse said, "Okay, let's get you out of your underwear so we can check you." I replied, "I'm wearing Depends." And she responded something along the lines of, "What in the actual fuck?" Apparently this was not standard practice.

The End :)

"I am convinced that most people do not grow up...We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are innocent and shy as magnolias." - Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

"I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child. Because I was once a searching adolescent, given to moods and ecstasies, these are still part of me, and always will be... This does not mean that I ought to be trapped or enclosed in any of these ages...the delayed adolescent, the childish adult, but that they are in me to be drawn on; to forget is a form of suicide... Far too many people misunderstand what *putting away childish things* means, and think that forgetting what it is like to think and feel and touch and smell and taste and see and hear like a three-year-old or a thirteen-year-old or a twenty-three-year-old means being grownup. When I'm with these people I, like the kids, feel that if this is what it means to be a grown-up, then I don't ever want to be one. Instead of which, if I can retain a child's awareness and joy, and *be* fifty-one, then I will really learn what it means to be grownup." - Madeline L'Engle

"People never grow up. They just learn how to act in public." (Usually). - Bryan White

all growed up

I will consider myself to be a fully fledged adult when:

I floss.

I can properly ration hot sauce for the duration of a burrito.

I can patiently wait until the pizza is not as hot as hades before I take a bite.

I can patiently wait for anything.

I can make the proper amount of spaghetti for a family of four, rather than a family of forty-four.

I can eyeball the amount of leftovers and choose the correct size storage container.

I know how long to microwave leftovers, without nuking the shit out of them.

I can use superglue without adhering my fingers to inanimate objects or each other. 

I can hear/speak the words Seaman, balls, and Count Duuku with a straight face. 

I can finish projects more than 13 seconds before they are due.

I have a working knowledge of how to fight laundry stains and fold fitted sheets.

I can do a load of laundry, start-to-finish, without anything ending up irrevocably wrinkly, smelling of mildew, having to be washed or dried more than once, and/or sitting folded in a leaning tower of Pisa for 3 weeks.

I can cook without measuring every 1/4 teaspoon or consulting the recipe 97 times.

I don't eat Skippy, Nutella or marshmallow fluff standing over the sink with a spoon. 

I don't hide candy from my children/husband... So that I can eat it myself.

I can buy a dessert that contains multiple servings without consuming it all in one sitting "so that I won't be tempted to eat it tomorrow." 

I don't say "Holy shit, I'm a mom," at least once a day.

I can keep up with regular maintenance of my car, my teeth, and my vagina.

I stop breaking out like a teenager.

I can accurately track my menstrual cycle and/or reliably have tampons when I need them.

I don't dig clothes out of the laundry hamper to wear to work.

I can unpack immediately following a trip instead of leaving a suitcase full of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor until the next time I have to travel.

I am not caught off guard every. single. time. the gas gauge is on E. like, "what the...?! again?!"

I can keep the fridge and pantry well-stocked, which means never running out of milk and having to serve dry cereal for breakfast.

I can actually prepare and serve the fresh food items I purchase, rather than letting 73% of them rot into foul and unrecognizable substances at the bottom of the vegetable bin.

I can provide home-cooked meals for my family every night without wanting to hang myself with al dente linguine.

And when I don't feel like cooking and we eat out, I can calculate the tip without using a calculator or making my brain hurt.

DM and I can wake up before the kids to make lunches, tidy the house, and do other grown up things, rather than using our kids as alarm clocks.

I can comfortably plan for my kids' college funds and my husband's and my retirement, as opposed to being proud of ourselves for paying off the credit card each month.

I can shop at real grown up stores instead of everything in my life being delivered in brown cardboard boxes by the UPS guy.

I can get in an elevator with my boss without getting the insta-sweats and saying something RE-diculous.

I can engage in "small talk" without looking like I am mentally challenged:
Me: How's it going?
Them: Good, and you?
Me: Friday.

I don't have to hold my pants shut with hair ties.

I stop shopping in the "juniors" section.

I wear something other than flip flops to work.

I get to sit at the "grown ups" table at holidays.

I come to grips with the fact that I am at least a decade older than the hot new Hollywood heartthrobs, and I am no longer the target audience for those angsty coming-of-age films.

I stop freaking out when doctors, lawyers, teachers, etcetera are younger than me.

I can be honest with the stylist when I hate my haircut, rather than pretending I love it and then crying in the car.

I know how to do cute things with my daughter's hair. Me: "So, sweet pea, do you want barrettes? Or do you want barrettes?"

I make fun of DM for losing his wallet and car keys all the damn time, but I literally lose my CAR in the parking garage almost daily so I really shouldn't judge. Those seem like things grown ups should be able to keep track of.

.... In other words ... I'm never gonna grow up!

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How about you? What abilities/talents/basic survival skills do you hope to master when you grow up? ;)