nutritional nugget therapy

I am not the best cook and my kids are not the best eaters and this is not a winning combination. This is probably my cosmic retribution for being a total know-it-all before I had kids. When he was a baby, my nephew suffered from a rare form of Epilepsy known as Infantile Spasms. I had never heard of it before, and honestly, when my sister first told me about it, I thought it was another one of her whimsical Web MD diagnoses (she is convinced I have Multiple Sclerosis, Aspergers, and several other rare diseases). But it was legit, and her alarmist tendencies were probably life-saving in this instance!

Anyway, because of his medical issues, my nephew was on this crazy ketogenic diet, and after that he became the world's pickiest eater. For a while, he subsisted on a diet of instant oatmeal and M&M's. I gave my sister flak but she swore that was all he would eat. I said "If he gets hungry enough, he'll eat real food." Ha. Well. This is (probably) true. But what I didn't know is that between the steps "Deny child food he wants" and "Child is finally hungry enough to eat the food you want him to," there are seventeen increasingly painful and tortuous levels of hangry hell.

Karma, you clever minx.

I have tried to get my own kids to eat a diverse and flavorful array of grown up foods because "They" say if you introduce foods enough times, kids will finally come to accept them. Well, I don't know what that magic number is, but I can tell you it is more than 4,733.

Eventually the pendulum swung in the other direction. "Fine!" I said. "Eat chicken nuggets and pasta with butter for the rest of your lives. Sure! Let's see how long you can survive on condiments alone!" It got to where I would make one meal for the kids, and make something different for us grown-ups. If anything's worse than making dinner, it's making two, separate dinners! But at least the kids actually ate. Until they didn't.

I finally realized that kids are going to eat, or not eat, at their whim. You can't MAKE them eat, and attempts to do so will drive you INSANE. But there are a few things you can do to make meal time slightly less stressful, sometimes, when the little gremlins are amenable.

First, let them "help" make dinner. And by help, I mean, make things three-to-five times slower and more difficult for you. Seriously though, they get a lot more excited about eating it when they were invested in the preparation process.

Second, always put something on their plate that you know they will eat. (For me, this is actually nearly impossible, because my kids will only eat chicken nuggets on alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays when Venus is in retrograde. Pizza will be consumed when heated exactly to 99.2 degrees, and covered by 2.7 pepperonis spaced at least one inch apart. Only organic quinoa fusilli or "wegular" spaghetti (NOT Angel Hair) with clarified Irish grass-fed butter will do. Baby carrots if they are perfectly symmetrical and don't "look weird." Persian cucumbers hand-delivered from Iran. Cheese of any kind except on major holidays and full moons. And, almost always, yogurt.)

Third, trick them into thinking they have some sort of say in what's for dinner. For example, let them choose between two meal options (Here's a tip: Let them take turns choosing on alternate days, or flip a coin, because it is physically impossible for two (or more) children to agree on anything, ever.) Let them serve themselves. Let them omit their least favorite side. Etc.

Fourth, don't stress too much. I've come to realize that the more worked up I get about my kids eating a perfectly balanced meal, the less likely they are to actually do so. Choose your battles. They probably aren't going to starve.

Fifth, try to make it fun. Now, I know what you're thinking. "MAKE IT FUN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAKE IT FUN?! I actually MADE dinner, instead of ordering pizza or hitting the In-n-Out drive-thru, so I basically think I deserve a medal, and now you're telling me I have to make paper cranes with my kids napkins, flambe their fish sticks, and juggle their tangerines?! Yeah, no. Why don't you take your little dog and pony show to the circus, where it belongs." And I hear you. I do.

But. IF you have a little spare time and can afford to use a little cookie cutter on fruit and sandwiches, or even use fun little food picks and colorful serving trays, kids eat that stuff up (literally!)

Bento Picks

Silicone Baking Cups

To that end, (and because yogurt squeezies are one of the few things my children will reliably eat), I took the Chobani Kids challenge, which is all about encouraging a healthy lifestyle and proper nutrition.

Here is a super easy craft that your kids will love, that makes eating one of their favorite snacks that much more fun. It will also negate the need to hand-feed them a yogurt tube like a baby lamb because it is TOO COLD TO HOLD.

Step 1: Buy some felt. (Or, conveniently have a giant pile in your erstwhile craft closet.)

Step 2: Cut felt to proper yogurt squeezy koozy dimensions. (I just folded it around a yogurt tube and eyeballed it, this isn't rocket science).

Step 3: Use special "felt glue" (also conveniently located in neglected craft closet) to glue the edges together. (If you are super crafty and have access to a sewing machine, that would probably be a quick and more durable way to do this, but I didn't/don't, so glue it is).

Step 4: While waiting for the glue to dry, cut a bunch of little strips/shapes for decorating the koozies.

Step 5: Realize that fancy felt glue doesn't work at all. (Which may or may not be because you didn't read the directions.) Resort to SuperGlue (or The Kragle, as my kids call it).

Step 5a: DO NOT LET KIDS HAVE THE KRAGLE!!!

Step 6: Let kids go to town with felt strips, stickers, and adhesive bedazzlation. (Then, if you're anything like me, put the kids to bed and get down with some glitter glue and your bad self ;))

Step 7: Voila! Cute little yogurt koozies. The kids "super much" love their "beautifow yogut life savers." (In case you can't tell, we're into Star Wars around here ;))

Happy Nerf herding!

Sorry about the mess.

May the force be with you.

PS, Step 8: Realize, after looking at 4 different stores, the product you THOUGHT you were pimping may or may not even exist anymore. Find out that the product you're SUPPOSED to be pimping is these handy-dandy yogurt pouches. Take quick pictures with your phone as an afterthought, koozy-free, because Mama ain't got time for two rounds of craft wars in one week.

FYI, the kids were legitimately stoked on these Chobani Kids yogurt pouches, not least because Spiderman is on the front. They both requested them in their lunch boxes this morning. Which is in strict violation of the superhero stoppage at the preschool but oh well, I am NOT going to argue if my kids are requesting to eat something healthy!

This is what happens when I try to be a real blogger.

Lesson learned ;)

fruit snack fascists

The preschool continues its totalitarian regime. No sugar. No superheroes. No peanuts. No fruit snacks. No fun. On the upside, at least the kids are getting a decent feel for life as an adult.

I was super crabby Friday when this happened so I thought maybe that had colored my feelings on the matter, but no. I'm still annoyed.

We give the kids fruit snacks in their lunch boxes once a week. On Fridays. As a special treat. Jack knows that the fruit snacks (and anything else in his lunch box that constitutes a "treat") are to be consumed after he has eaten the rest of his lunch. His little sister is still learning the parameters of this rule but she's getting the hang of it. 

On Friday, I get an email from the teacher telling me please don't pack fruit snacks in Colby's lunch box anymore. The teacher is generally quite nice, by the way. I don't mean to direct the entirety of my irritation at her. I would bet good money that she is just passing bullheaded bento law down from the higher ups. But. Not only did she call the kibosh on future fruit snacks, she snatched the pack of snacks from my poor girl's hands and wouldn't let her have them at all. Like stealing candy from a baby! Literally!

I'm sorry. Somebody set me straight. Maybe this is the lawyer in me, but... Where do you get off? A moratorium on nuts? Fine. I certainly don't want to be responsible for some poor kid going into anaphylactic shock because I couldn't take the time to sub in some Sun Butter for my beloved Skippy. But is it really any of your business if I want my children to eat fruit snacks for lunch? I mean, look. I appreciate your efforts. And I get it. In loco parentis and all that. I'm sure it doesn't make your job any easier if your students' lunches are packed with junk and, as a result, they are extra grumpy or bouncing off the walls or whatever. And that sucks. I certainly don't envy the work that you do, and the ways in which us parents make it more difficult.

But honestly, I don't think its your prerogative to intervene, even if I want to send my kid to school with a freakin' Butterfinger burrito. That's not what's happening here though. I mean. I painstakingly crafted these homemade fruit snacks from organic cane juice and raw fruit. Or maybe I bought Ninja Turtle and Disney Princess high fructose fruit bombs from Target. I forget. In any event. It's once a flippin' week as part of an otherwise balanced and nutritious meal. And now suddenly you're the overlord of fruit snacks and happiness? Do you just want to pack my kids' lunches for me? Because I think that would probably be easier for everyone.

Seriously. Am I "That Mom"? Or is it time to find a new preschool? [< Empty threat.]

hahahhaha. yeah right. 

i appreciate the honesty. 

As if feeding my kids wasn't hard enough...

My friend posted a link on Facebook today. You'll probably want to read it yourself but I'll give you the Cliff's Notes: If you're anything like me, there is a very high chance you are feeding your kids carcinogens on a daily basis. I am very thankful she posted it. Like learning about what's really on the inside of Capri Suns, baby nose bulbs, and public swimming pools, I feel that this is the "need to know" brand of information. But part of me is like, goddammitalready!

Well, I guess I'll just have to tell our personal chef to be extra vigilant when shopping for the locally grown, organic, all natural, free range ingredients for the painstakingly prepared, nutritionally balanced, healthful, brimming-with-vitamins-and-antioxidants and yet oh so delicious meals we need three six nine times a day (because every time they ask for something specific and it is presented to them they want something that is not that at all and that we do not have a single ingredient for). Oh. Wait. I am the chef. And I don't have the freaking time for this shit.

Don't get me wrong. I want to feed my family well and I want to eat well myself but aside from the obvious problem that THEY PREFER DOG KIBBLE TO MY COOKING, there are the other pesky problems of not having limitless funds and time. Even Rachael Freaking Ray's alleged 30-minute meals take more than thirty minutes because I do not have all of the things that I need and even when I do they are not perfectly arranged and washed and chopped into one-inch squares in my fridge. And, p.s., Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee - the supposed time-and-money-saving Food Network gurus, use lots of things from boxes and cans, like we all do, because they save money and time! Also, I would like to point out, they are not cooking in the midst of a civil uprising of rabid baby koala bears. So there's that. I am not much into cooking shows or "reality television" in general but I think I just came up with the premise of the next big Food Network/reality TV hit - Top Toddler Chef. All meals to be prepared between 5 and 7pm, a.k.a. "The Witching Hour(s)." Each elimination round you throw another hangry toddler in the kitchen and the winner is the last one standing who hasn't (accidentally/on purpose) grilled a baby or (intentionally) committed harakiri with a ginzu knife.

But alright. Say I go spend twice as much for fresh, locally grown, golden fertilizer produce and magical pastured eggs and $20 a gallon raw milk from Whole Foods or Organic R Us or whatever. First of all, obviously, that's less money in my pocket. Second of all, it's less time, because that means I still have to go to another "real" store for cleaning products that actually clean and paper products that are more effective than wet kleenex at cleaning up spills, and are sold in more than a two-pack because sorry, "Mudder Erf," but my son thinks he has to use a new napkin every.single.time. he spills and he spills A LOT. We are attempting to disabuse him of this notion but it is taking some time. We have worked up to three wipes per napkin. It's a process. And don't even get me started on diapers (what about cloth diapers you ask? sorry. i highly admire you. but no.) and wet wipes and toilet paper needs with multiple toddlers in tow. Hey! Maybe we should just grow our own food? We have a pretty big backyard. I could probably fit a garden and a milking cow. I have always wanted a cow.... no wait. That was a pony. I wanted a pony.

Okay. So, the ingredients alone are costing me more money and more time. But even if Whole Foods had Costco prices and home delivery, someone has to cook this crap! And I suck at cooking. I made homemade baby food for the kids and was always surprised to receive (undeserved) kudos because let me tell you, it is not that hard, especially if you have an awesome and highly overpriced baby-food-preparing thingy (e.g., Beaba). It is twenty seven times harder to cook actual human person meals that are nutritious and that both small children and adults will enjoy eating. And DO NOT tell me to origami that shit into interesting shapes and/or elaborate dioramas or I will freaking cut you. Seriously. I believe you (sort of) that it inspires your children to actually eat their food but please see sections I. and II., supra, about not having time for that shit. See also, section III re: rabid koalas, above. And anyway. I do serve shapes. Hey. Look at this peanut butter and jelly sandwich! It's a square! Your orange is a circle, whee, fun! And grapes! Um - little circles! Alright! Farfelle = butterflies/bowties! Oh and bunnies and goldfish too - no assembly required! With a free side of carcinogens! Argh!

Sometimes I think to myself, really? I mean, is it really that bad? Most of my generation was raised on Froot Loops and that godawful Mac & "Cheese" and we all turned totally fine ... right??? Actually, not really, because something like 1 in 2 people will be diagnosed with some type of cancer at some point in their lifetime. WTF?! I mean, who knows if it's smog or cell phones or laptops or fruit loops or Monsanto or our collectively sinful souls or bad karma or some combination of the above, but if there's a chance of decreasing our risk, I guess we have to take it? Or, like everything else in life, "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." (There she goes again with the quotes. That one's Theodore Roosevelt.) And sometimes all I have are chicken nuggets and toaster waffles. Don't judge.

Also - the FDA could maybe make it illegal to put cancer-causing shit in food sold for human consumption? Just a thought.


Just. No.
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i suck at short blog posts.