the text that almost ended in divorce

Alternate title: I am 62% insane.

I sent this to DM and asked him if it was kinda funny, or just made me look legit-crazy. He read it and replied, "Eh, it definitely makes you sound kinda nuts. But... you are... so..." His bottom line was that it wasn't funny enough to justify letting this much of my crazy show, but I don't often listen to what he says (don't worry, the selective hearing disorder is a two-way street).

So, DM was working from home the other day and he and I texted back and forth for a little bit about nothing in particular. Probably about houses we can't afford. We hadn't texted in an hour or so and then I get this text:

DM: It's just going to have to be in and out tonight, sorry baby.

Me: What?

No response.

Me: You know that sounds bad, right?

(Editor's note: I swear I'm happily married and don't normally jump automatically to the conclusion that my spouse is cheating on me. I actually used to be a very anxious and jealous person, but either a decade-plus of his undying love, and/or four years and 237 days of little humans sucking every last ounce of energy from my soul has left me without the ability to muster even one iota of suspicion. But for some reason, this day, this text, just hit me - it gave me that instant pit in my stomach.)

Still no answer.

So I call. No answer.

Text again: Dude.

No answer.

At this point, I basically feel as though my suspicions are 100% confirmed and he's not answering the phone or texts because he's trying to devise a cover story, and/or pack a bag to avoid the wrath that shall rain down upon him when I get home.

Me: Please tell me there is a reasonable explanation for that text.

Nothing.

Meanwhile, this is the insane freight train of thoughts going through my tiny skull:

I can't believe I'm going to be a divorcee.
With two small children.
I can't believe he's talking to me about buying our dream home all the while cheating on me with some floozy!
I can't believe he calls her "Baby" too! (insert Sam Smith song here).
Then again, every-other-weekend off wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
But how are we going to afford our lives without pooled resources?!
This might finally be my chance to find a sugar daddy and become a kept woman.
Of course this had to happen on the day when I guest-posted about the sad state of one's sex life when you're married with children. Everyone is going to say "Well, duh! Of course he stepped out on you. Suck it up and give the man a BJ once in a while!" (Pun intended).
I wonder if this hussy likes laundry, cooking, or blow jobs? We might be able to work something out...
By the way, I'm keeping the ring, dick.

Then, it suddenly dawned on me. That morning, the kids had asked for In-N-Out Burger for dinner (not my fave, as I'm a vegetarian and currently off bread.) DM answered "We'll see," (which usually means no).

Me: OHMIGOD. Were you talking about dinner???

DM FINALLY answers: Phrasing :)

Me: DUDE. I was 3 seconds away from calling a divorce lawyer.

DM: I am still unsure exactly what it was you thought my text meant?

Me: Um, that you were having secret sexytimes with some trollop!

DM: Like, in the 20 minutes before I had to pick up our children?

Me: It only takes 4.

DM: Ouch.

Twenty minutes later I get this text:

DM: Hey secret imaginary girlfriend: I'm coming over for some hot sex before I fetch the kids at preschool. Don't tell my wife Mackenzie Cheeseman.

Sigh. He's a good sport. And I need mental help ;)

That reminds me of this:

I in no way, shape or form condone drunk driving. But this cracked me up and would so happen to me, with my luck in combination with AT&T and my godforsaken iPhone -2.

Anyway, I'm happy to report, we are still married (just celebrated our 7th anniversary, thank you very much).

AND, I know how to keep things HOT.

With this kind of spice, that man's not going anywhere ;)