say what you mean to say

can someone please buy a cat and name it pico de gato? just pico for short.

i can't. i'm allergic.

i also want bunnies, named fern and myrtle. or paisley and argyle. or all of the above. but i'm highly allergic to bunnies as well, which i discovered in college when my sister and i went and bought a bunny (i think we named it sushi or egg roll) and my face promptly puffed shut. FOILED AGAIN.



breathing is highly overrated. JUST LOOK AT THEM.
oh wait. i can't. my eyes are swollen shut.

this reminds me of a story my mom used to tell. she taught these management classes, and one of the themes was being honest and straightforward about the reasoning and motivation behind your actions and decisions. otherwise, people will find a way around it, or back you off your position. she used this anecdote to illustrate the point: apparently, when i was little, i really wanted a cat. we had a dog, (my mom and dad's first "child,") and in addition, my mom hated cats, so it wasn't in the cards. but when i asked for a cat, she said, "we don't really have room for another pet." i responded, "can we have a cat if we move to a bigger house?" she replied, "well, katie (the dog) doesn't like cats." me: "when katie dies can we get a cat?" finally my mom came clean and said, "we can't get a cat because I do not like cats." me: "well, when you die can we get a cat?"

so... this was a funnier story before my mom actually died. ha. whoops. this was also before we learned that i was violently allergic to cats. oh well. pico de gato will remain forever a dream.

still, it's a good lesson. i am THE WORST at this. it's why our social calendar has been booked solid since february. i don't even know how it happens, but we just always have plans. every year i swear "never again," and yet every year i end up like a doctor on some terrible HMO plan, saying, "hmmm, yes, i think can pencil you in for a quick lunch three months from now." i don't mean for this to sound like, wah wah wah, it is soooo hard being soooo popular and having soooo many friends. i am BLESSED, and for once i'm not using that term sarcastically. i am very lucky that there are people who know how bat shit crazy i am and still want to hang out with me. but still. THE PLANS. it can get a little out of hand. i really do need to get better at saying no, being more judicious with the precious minutes i have to spend with my family, and not always succumbing to "shoulds" and "FOMO."

i'm the person that says "we should totally get together!" and then the other person says, "okay what time?" and i'm like, "shit." or i post online, "yay, can't wait for my wonderful Caribbean getaway!" and then someone says, "omg, when are you going? us too! we have to meet up!" and then i'm spending a day of valuable vacation time ziplining with some random facebook friend i'm not sure i ever actually knew in real life. or like, e-vites. since when did it become socially unacceptable to just politely decline? now it's like, if you say no, you have to have an airtight alibi for your nonattendance.

or say, for example, someone mentions having a get-together. before my brain even catches up, my trap flies open and i'm like, "we'll host! and i'll make themed appetizers! and mini cupcakes! whoooo wants oreo pops?!?" let's have so-and-so over and order pizza. "how about a bento-box picnic on the beach instead? with handmade heart-shaped sushi rolls?!" what's going on this weekend? "oh, we're booked for three toddler birthday parties on saturday, hope you don't mind!" superbowl party with beer and bbq? "i'll look up edible appetizer football stadiums on pinterest! let's invite the whole neighborhood!"*

seriously, i would try to do this.

as DM says, "you are the most social anti-social person i have ever met." i mean, i actually want to do most of these things, theoretically. but as soon as it's out of my mouth i usually regret it. then i have anxiety for a week and don't sleep and stay up all night crafting goal posts out of pretzel sticks

i really have no one to blame but myself (and pinterest). it's so hardwired, though. to be polite, to join, to feel the need to explain yourself, etcetera. but there is a beauty in just saying no. it's very liberating. the other day, my sister asked me if i wanted to do some yoga and beer thing on a saturday morning, and i was like, nope! i want to do nothing. my "plans," for once, are to do exactly zero things.

i'm not saying i want to be needlessly rude or hurt anyone's feelings. there's a time and a place for a little fudging here and there. but generally, i want to surround myself with people who won't hold it against me when they invite me out on a Friday night, and i just say, "no thanks! it's Friday night cozies!" (ps, do you know there is a Swedish word for this? fredagsmys. it literally means, like, "Friday + cozy" - chillaxin' on the couch in your comfies, drinking, eating snacks, and watching crappy television. i have to give credit to the swedes for coining the term, but i actually can't imagine anything much more American ;)

"how beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward." - spanish proverb

and if i do invite you over, don't be sad if there aren't any color-coordinated cake pops. you're getting stale sriracha popcorn in a dubiously clean bowl. drink enough beers and it will be delicious.

happy fredagsmys, friends!

*note. these are hypotheticals. it is highly unlikely that i am talking about you, specifically.

you mad, bro?

why is the internet so crabby? i feel as though that "grumpy cat" meme perfectly personifies (catifies?) the interwebs.

having a good day? here. let the world wide web piss on your parade.

i guess i should be thankful that my blog is not popular enough to attract it's own trolls. but i still come across it all the time.

"i love being a mom. it's the best thing EVER."
internet: smug bitch. correction. smug lying bitch.

"my children are slowly driving me insane."
internet: are you saying you don't love your children? children are a blessing.
i can't even have children. how do you think that makes me feel?
i was planning on having children. but that blog post just totally ruined it for me. thanks a lot.
children are a gift from GOD. ARE YOU SAYING YOU HATE GOD???!!!

"awww. look at this funny, touching video about how being a mom is a hard work."
internet: whatever. being a mom is not even the toughest job in the world. there are several jobs that violate international labor standards that are WAY harder.
anyway. what are you saying. that you view your children as a JOB?
and do you mean to imply that women cannot do meaningful work outside the private sphere?
and what about women that don't have children? are OUR jobs less important than YOUR job?
and you call yourself a feminist. you should be ashamed of yourself.
and what about DADS, huh?! do you hate men?! i feel sorry for your husband. you obviously suck in bed.

"awww. look at this awesome makeover of a homeless veteran."
internet: whoopity-doo. you gave the guy a freakin' haircut. i'll be sure to notify the nobel prize committee. you are aware there are 57, 848 other homeless veterans, aren't you? are you going to give them makeovers, too? or at least a sandwich? or are you just going to let them starve to death while this dude chillaxes at supercuts?!

"awww. look at these kind strangers responding to this lonely old man who didn't want to spend Christmas alone."
internet: nice. now he's a lonely old man with a shit ton of mail from people he doesn't even know.

"omg! i invented a vaccine for the common cold!"
internet: talk to me when you cure cancer. oh, and p.s., vaccines cause autism. haven't you ever heard of jenny mccarthy?

"look at this sweet video of pharrell reacting to people around the world singing 'happy'"
internet: that's a conspiracy propagated by mainstream media in order to effectuate their evil plan for world domination through mind control. like that song "relax" in zoolander.
also, oprah is the antichrist.

"you guys! a baby napping with a puppy!"


source: http://instagram.com/mommasgonecity/#

internet: i'm allergic to dogs. and children.

"okayyyy. how about... THIS:"

bunnies too. or ginormous gerbils. or rodents of unusual size. whatever that thing is, i'm definitely allergic to it. also i'm pretty sure that is not politically correct. you just handed the latino vote to ted cruz. way to go.

THROW ME A F*CKING BONE, PEOPLE.