Is there cheese in it?: allergic to life

Okay, so, basically, I have been suffering from searing headaches and ear pain off and on but more on than off for about 8 months (specifically, since I flew back from Delaware with a bad head cold after Thanksgiving 2012). I have had all sorts of tests done including allergy tests which is stupid because I have been allergic to everything my whole entire life and that problem is separate from the one where I feel like my head is filled with cement AND is being pumped full of air like a helium balloon full-to-bursting and I can't really hear that well except sometimes when I hear double which by the way is DOUBLE THE FUN when your kids are screaming/crying. It's like my own personal SYMPHONY OF HELL. Anyway. In the process of all of that, this conversation happened:

Dr: You are allergic to basically all of the 23 allergens tested [except, interestingly, cockroach dust/poop], but you are highly allergic to mold, dust mites, and dog dander.
Me: Oh, well that's super awesome because EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE is covered with a patina of those three things.
Dr: You can do yada yada yada for the mold and the dust mites. Now. About the dog. Would getting rid of "it" be an option?
Me: No. I've had her for 12 years. She's like my child. I often actually prefer her to my children.
Dr: Okay, well, no disrespect to your beloved pet-child but at least, if she's 12, she probably won't be around for that much longer....?
Me: She is not going to die anytime soon, I promise you that.
Dr: Okayyy. Well when she does, I strongly recommend you not get another dog. It would significantly alleviate your symptoms.
Me: Yeah that's not happening either.
Dr: Alright. Well. Where does the dog sleep?
Me: Ummmmmmmm...Weeeelllllll.... Sort of... in... my... bed?
Dr: *Sigh.*

[They did not test for rabbits, but, FYI, however allergic I am to dogs, I am 17 times more allergic to rabbits. Once my little sister was visiting me while I was in college and we thought it would be fun to get me a pet rabbit. (This was before Blue.) We got the cutest little grey dwarf bunny and named her (him?) Sushi or Eggroll or something. She peed on my sister on the way home so she would've fit right in with my current family. However, approximately 53 minutes later, I was wheezing and sneezing and uncontrollably leaking tears from my eyes. We had to take her back and I thought there might be an issue re: the return policy but apparently the fact that my face was swollen shut brooked no argument.]

Anyway... Back to the 21st century...Later that day, the little Jackabee pees his pants IN THE BATHROOM [why do they do that?!? "do you have to pee?" "no." "how about now?" "no." 30 seconds later: "OH NOOOO I HAVE TO PEEEEEE AAAAAAH!"]. Blue immediately starts drinking and dancing in the puddle so I grab her and toss her in the bathtub so I can deal with her pee-feet and pee-face after I deal with the pee-kid and the pee-pants/underwear/socks/shoes and pee-puddle on the pee-floor, AND SHE FREAKING BITES ME!!!!! Like, HARD. Sh*t in my purse? Fine. Bite me? Oh hellllllll no! Good thing I have friends at the Humane Society de Tijuana! There's a cute new doggy up for adoption! She's a "senior citizen" but shhhhhhh! She doesn't know it. My next pet is going to be a cockroach.