to blave

i wrote a post a little while back about marriage. true love. soul mates. and i feel like i sort of need to clarify. i said everyone deserves someone who "completes them," a la jerry maguire, but that would imply that you had some sort of void that needed to be filled, and that's not what i meant. both halves of a good marriage should be able to stand on their own. if you're looking for someone else to have "the answers," you are surely going to end up disappointed. that reminds me of this great quote from that movie the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:

"too many guys think i'm a concept, or i complete them, or i'm gonna make them alive. but i'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

this has actually happened to me a few times. i guess it probably happens to everyone. people fall in love with the idea of you, which is a lot of friggin' pressure because there's no way you can live up to the platonic ideal of yourself. once they scratch the surface, "the real me" is revealed in all its hot, sweaty, squishy, hairy, naggy, messy glory.

that reminds me of another one of my favorite movie quotes from good will hunting:

"you're not perfect sport, and i'll save you the suspense. this girl you met? she's not perfect, either. the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

i certainly do not intend to send my son and daughter into the world on some wild goose chase for their perfect disney prince/princess fairytale. nobody is going to rescue you from the castle. nobody is going to save you from your wicked stepmother. nobody is going to set you free. nobody but yourself.

my underlying argument in my last marriage post is that (i believe) there IS such a thing as truly, madly, deeply. and that everyone deserves that. i don't think people should just get married because they are worried they won't find anything better, or their ovaries are starting to get moldy, or they are dangerously close to becoming a Cat Lady. i believe there is a person, or, more likely, a generous handful of people, who can increase the sum total of happiness in your soul. not who provide you the answers to some deep lingering questions about the meaning of life or your place in the world, but who push and inspire you to be your best self, and make your time on this earth better for being there.

my definition of a soul mate is someone who, ultimately, loves YOU more than the IDEA of you. and that is a pretty rare find.

and again. i am not saying it is perfect, or a fairytale. far from it. and i plan to share with my children the good, the bad, and the ugly.

the love of Mackenzie and Daddy Mack rose from inglorious beginnings. well. that's not true. it was pretty glorious. amidst the rice and beans and smelly bar mats of Fred's Mexican Café and Typhoon Saloon, we began a torrid, tequila-fueled love affair that carried us from the beaches of san diego to the beaches of the caribbean and back again. but even in the beginning we were not without our problems. i had left mr "perfect on paper" for mr. older, dark and mysterious bar manager guy and perhaps failed to cut DM some slack when the reality of him differed from both the idea of him, and the idea of my ex. meanwhile, DM was, by virtue of proximity, drawn into tension-filled family negotiations over whether or not i should adopt my kid brother as i ventured into to law school. add to that the fact that DM and i were attending different law schools in the fall, 500 miles apart. this was a lot to handle for two people who hadn't even been together a year. it proved to be too much. he cheated on me with a somewhat unfortunate-looking girl who smelled like stale cigarettes and old-man-B.O. we broke up.

i used to swear with such conviction that i would never, ever, take someone back that cheated on me. you can say a lot of things before they happen to you. eventually, we got back together. even then it was not smooth sailing. people always say the first year of marriage is hard, but i like to joke that our first year of marriage was a piece of cake because we had already had every single fight that one couple could possibly have in a lifetime. seriously. we once argued for literally 6 hours once over whether not DM would smoke cigarettes once our imaginary children were born. i guess, in my crooked little mind, i did not want to commit my heart again unless this was IT, so i wanted to make sure that all eventualities were accounted for.

ANYWAY. we made it through, with flying colors, if i may say so myself. we made two beautiful, if slightly insane and preternaturally stubborn little cheese-its. DM is my rock, my voice of reason, my cheerleader, my partner in crime, the angel AND the devil on my shoulder, my best friend. he's my prince charming-ish. in high tide or in low tide, he'll be by my side.

i'm sure, someday, down the road, there will be more fights to fight. and we will fight them with grit, tenacity, and frequent cites to prevailing legal principles. i am hoping there will be no more smelly beasties vying for a piece o' my hunka hunka burnin' love, but you never know.

on infidelity - i used to think that when you were IN LOVE (which is supposed to last FOREVAH-EVAH), you would never even LOOK at another person "like that." i still like to pretend in my mind that that is true. but now that i am older and wiser, i realize that is probably not a realistic expectation. my husband works with all women. he goes to vegas twice a year. he travels for business on occasion. there are going to be women who catch his eye. and i get that now. first of all, as much as it pains me to admit, i am no spring chicken. it's so sad. i'm so vain. i wish i could turn back time and freeze my physical self at the age of 22 forever. but that's not gonna happen, and vegas is chock full of 22 year olds that look better than i ever did. second, that feeling In The Beginning - where you're not sure if you're in love or you've contracted malaria? sadly (yet also thankfully), that does not last forever. and i can understand how, if confronted with that, you might be tempted to dive back into that (temporary) bliss.

but, i think of it like this. we knew this guy in the virgin islands. he was our "frenchy" landlord. he was a crazy, old, awesome, alcoholic. seriously, he put 151 in his coffee every morning. and i feel like i should mention, just for added color, that he had the "triple crown" of genital piercings. anyway. the first night we met him, he had picked us up at the airport with one of DM's friends. (we sat in two lawn chairs strapped to the bed of his truck with bungee cords.) we proceeded to pub crawl our way through st. thomas. on our second or third drink at our third or fourth bar, DM suggested we eat some food. and crazy jimmy replied, "are you kidding me? i've got $30 invested in this buzz. i'm not gonna go ruining it with dinner!" in this story - i'm the buzz. get it? you've put some serious time and effort into that shit, and you don't wanna go undermining those efforts by eating dinner, even if it does look inviting and delicious. (or, as was once the case, looks sort of like a troll doll in serious need of a V05 hot oil treatment.*) this is especially true because dinner, though possibly quite divine, will be over before you know it, and now you're sober and you have heartburn.

the officiant at our wedding - one of my mom's best friends - said during the ceremony, "you are now husband and wife, but you must wake up every morning and decide to be married." and that is something that we have to remember, in the midst of the chaotic monotony of "grown up life." decide, every day, to be married. and that is what me and my prince charming-ish will continue to do :)

Hobo Marriage Vows
We are in accord with the following:
1. You are the way you are, and, it's OK for you to be that way.
2. May my love for you always be greater than my need for you.
3. May I always do what's right even if it's not what I want.
4. To help you be a success in your way.

links i like:

The Lie and the Truth About Marriage on Momastery.com - i basically love everything this woman has to say. luckily i still get the butterflies, though admittedly, it is not the default state that it once was.

My Husband is Not My Soul Mate on Trustychucks.com - a friend of mine posted this recently and it is apropos. i don't buy into the whole "married to god/soul mates with god" bit, but i highly approve of her general message.

and of course this oldie but goodie: holy crap this really is a four diamond hotel - they have gourmet butt wipes (a post about marriage, kinda) by yours truly

* please excuse my spite. i have forgiven but i have not forgotten. oh but that does remind me of the best advice i ever got surviving any major speed bump in your relationship: if you really want it to work out, you can't keep beating the person over the head with the infraction, e.g., "omigod i can't believe you left the milk out, this is like that time you cheated on me, you bastard!" hopefully that does not include using said incident as blog fodder. and to that end... sorry it's been a while, but this post was held up under review by my content editor. ultimately it passed muster ;)

maiwiage

settle a bet for me.

i believe in "True Love." i believe in "The One." i believe there's a lid for every pot. i mean. okay. there are 7+ billion people in the world. maybe there are a few lids that would fit really well. but my point is, i believe that it's out there. for everyone. that everyone can be, and deserves to be, madly in love with their partner. that does not mean that love is a fairytale, that you don't sometimes want to punch that special someone in their stubborn face or run away to mexico for a few days weeks months, that you never fight or he never makes you cry. but, i believe there is someone who, excuse the jerry maguire reference, completes you. who can make your heart race and your knees weak and make you laugh and make you think. someone who makes you happy at the very center of your soul.

my husband says i'm wrong.

he says we are lucky. that marriage is sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, about convenience, about fear of being alone, about fear of the unknown, about settling, about preferring what you have to nothing. he also thinks that not everyone is equipped for that head-over-heels kind of love. he thinks some people just aren't "the marrying kind." that we aren't an inherently monogamous species. i think all of that is BS. i think they just haven't found the right person (yet).

DM is not alone in his thoughts, though. a good friend of mine calls it "Big Love," and views it as the exception, not the rule. she and i were talking more about it and she said maybe Big Love is when you get everything you need from one person. she said everyone she knows with The Big Love would, without hesitation, name their significant other as their best friend. i don't know. maybe Big Love is just a euphemism for codependence. but it works for me.

another friend, when asked about proposing to his now-wife, responded "well, at some point, you just gotta shit or get off the pot, you know?"

just.... please. for future reference. if i ever learn that my significant other said this about me, direct me to the nearest divorce lawyer.

also. in that metaphor. what am i? the shit? or the pot?

ugh.

i worked for this professor. (the one who made me a mix-tape. more about that later.) he once asked me: "who is the person you love the most and who is the person you have been the most in love with? are they the same person?" me: "is this a trick question? of course. why. it isn't for you?" him: "no."

i just don't get that. wouldn't you want both? a friend of mine was recently in a long-term relationship. he stayed with the girl for too long, out of some ill-conceived sense of obligation. he loved her but he was not in love. but she thought he was The One, and he felt like he owed it to her to try to make that true. i'm sorry, but, eff that, man. i hate to sound like a smug biatch, but i've been lots of people's The One (okay maybe three people's. ;)). and that sucks for them. but at the end of the day, that's not really my problem. and anyway, if they think i'm The One but i don't think they're The One, then i'm probably not actually The One. you dig? i can only hope that the universe will right the wrongs along the way. the bottom line is, just because you love someone doesn't mean they can make you happy. there's a difference. sometimes, love isn't enough. (< have you seen this movie with julia roberts and brad pitt and a gay james gandolfini? cinema gold.)

along those lines, i just read this post - "Why Finding 'The One' Is Nearly Impossible But We Do It Anyway." he makes a good point - that lots of times you think you found "The One," until you find out they are not, in fact, The One. so it's really sort of about finding Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right?

and i guess all of this begs the question - what if there is The One, but you don't find The One, and your uterus is quickly approaching it's expiration date (or maybe you're just tired of cooking for one. in the latter case, i think i can help you out ;)) but, then what? i guess this is a major flaw in my reasoning. because some of the best people i know are still single, and not necessarily because they want to be. one of my favorite friends recently said "i think it's time to start thinking about settling," and i was like "NOOOOOOOO, you can't! you are too great to settle!" (also her dates provide too much entertainment for her to stop going on them ;)) in the early days when we talked a lot about lurve, DM and i always agreed that we would rather be alone than "settle." but, i guess that's really easy for me to say since i found "the one" when i was 22 years old. who knows what i would be thinking 12 or 20 years later. maybe something, anything, is better than nothing. but from my happily married high horse i just can't see that being true.

an old friend of mine (who is going through a divorce) posted this depressing ode to the mediocre state of marriage: "Good Enough? That's Great." am i nuts for thinking that "good enough" isn't? this: don't date a girl who reads. "you will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied." that's what i want. that's what i believe we all deserve. am i high? (editor's note: no. i am not. unless you mean high on life. then yes. yes i am. sometimes. other times life is a very bad trip.)

this whole train of thought reminds me of that viral post by seth adam smith - "marriage isn't for you." he discusses some guidance he received from his father on the eve of his marriage to his childhood sweetheart: "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy." okay. maybe i'm just selfish, and i'm no therapist, but... that seems like spectacularly bad marriage advice. isn't this the type of situation where you will plug along through the business of making and raising human beings, and then said humans go off to college, and you look at your partner and say, "why did i marry you? oh yeah. because marriage was for you. because you were going to be a great dad. and you were. but the kids are gone and it's just us... and... now what?"

and hey. who knows? maybe, someday, i'll find myself there too. and maybe, at that point, you start from scratch and learn to love eachother all over again with a new set of rules. or get divorced and adopt a bunch of cats. i do not know these things. i have no crystal ball. i cannot see the future. but i'm not in the future. i'm here. now. and i can't imagine doing what i'm doing every day (wrangling babies, referee-ing peewee WWF matches, cooking for implacable food critics of small stature, cleaning shit i just cleaned, again, laundry that never, ever ends, bills that annoyingly require payment each and every month, etc. etc. etc.) with someone who did not make this endless stream of quotidia bearable...

[on learning to love someone - i thought this post was interesting: I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married, on PopChassid.com. i respect where he's coming from, but then i'm like, i really just don't think you should have to work that hard to love someone. at what point does it turn from the effort that all relationships require to trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?]

this also reminds me of some people i know who stayed together in an unhappy marriage "for the children." that's so backwards to me. i can guarantee you if my mom and dad had stayed together i would be 113% more fucked up than i am right now. i mean, there's nothing better for kids to see than a happy, healthy marriage, but i believe the converse is also true.

don't get me wrong. my marriage is not all unicorns and rainbows. we've had our ups and downs. and it's not like it doesn't take effort. some days it takes a great deal more effort than others. our love has grown and changed and looks very, very different than it did over a decade ago, before marriage and mortgage and minis and full time jobs and too-long commutes and the Groundhog's Day repetition of bedtime battles and toddler tantrums and festive fetes every other freakin' weekend. but if i had to do all of that without him i would lose my ever lovin' mind. seriously. sometimes my husband and grilled cheese sandwiches and looking at pictures of my kids after they are sound asleep are the only things in the world that make me happy. i love that man. he keeps me sane. he's my partner and my sounding board and my best friend. and i feel so sad thinking that this is just due to some stroke of luck or rare divine intervention or alignment of the stars.

on the tangential topic of "the bad-assedness of married sex," i saw this post recently and the title scared the bejesus out of me but the message is really rather spot on: "I Didn't Have Sex for a Year, and I'm Still Married," by Natalie Singer Velush on the Huffington Post Blog.

sorry that this sort of reads like a schizophrenic book report. i have many thoughts on the subject and a lesser ability to weave them into a coherent message. mainly i just want to win the bet. tell me, is there such a thing as true love?

p.s., i had a dream last night that i posted this and then promptly found out DM was sleeping with his secretary. stranger things have happened. let's just hope if that is how our story ends, he chooses something a little less cliched. actually, i often joke with DM that divorce would be awesome. every other weekend off? hollaaaaaah!!! but i'm (93%) kidding. just wanted to clarify that with the universe ;)

quotes from the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky

to blave...