duck dynasty, matt walsh & free speech 101

Apparently, I'm a "left-wing extremist." And/or a member of the "neo-liberal thought police." I don't really think of myself that way, but according to the Matt Walsh Blog, anyone who doesn't agree with his angry ramblings regarding the recent Duck Dynasty debacle is just that. So there ya go. Learn somethin' new every day. Good thing we're not in the McCarthy era or you'd be blacklisted just for reading this Commie Blog. 

So. I've never seen the show "Duck Dynasty." But I know it's very popular and I'm sure "Phil" and "Kay" and the rest of the bearded crew are swell. I am basically just responding, admittedly in knee jerk fashion, to what I feel to be a rather misguided blog post by Matt Walsh that has been making the rounds in the ether. Not to knock the guy. I've read some of his stuff before and though he sounds like a bit... how shall i say... hyperbolic, at times, he seems intelligent and well spoken and on occasion makes some points I agree with.* But anti-gay rhetoric really chaps my hide, especially when couched in terms of Jesus/God/The Bible. I just think it is a hot, steaming load of crap. I have close family and friends who are gay, lesbian, trans, and this issue affects me on a personal level. It hurts my stomach and it hurts my heart.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have spent portions of my life being incredibly distrustful of, if not outright hostile to, organized religion. There are many reasons for this, which I'm not going to get into here. But I've come around. These days, I try to take more of a live and let live approach. This article really resonated with me and my own experience as an agnostic, or at least, an unconventional believer. On a personal level, we need to go beyond "tolerance," to seek compassion, understanding, kindness, and love for one-another, regardless of our backgrounds and beliefs. We should all be able to believe what we want to believe, and act in the ways that we think are good and right and true, so long as our beliefs and actions don't infringe on the rights of others to do the same. THAT, for me, is where the rubber hits the road. And I'm not saying it's a perfectly defined line. It gets messy and I'm not claiming to have all of the answers. But even though he claims to, this Matt Walsh guy doesn't, either. [Note, while this post in particular really got me riled up, I don't mean to single him out as the only swill merchant on the internet. I read what he wrote, and I became enraged, and I have forbidden myself from conducting further google searches for "duck dynasty free speech" for fear my effing head will explode.]

Anyway. Read the post, or else this isn't going to make very much sense. Or don't. I will summarize. Apparently, Phil Robertson, the patriarch of Duck Dynasty, was interviewed in GQ and said homosexuality was a sin, referenced the infamous slippery slope to bestiality, and, for good measure, argued that blacks in the South during the Jim Crow era were "happy." In the same sermon on sin, he waxed poetic on the... er... spatial benefits of vaginal versus anal sex. A&E indefinitely suspended Robertson for his comments. Walsh claims that A&E "committed suicide," and proceeds to lambaste the network for hating the Bible, hating Christians, standing against free speech and against the views of a majority of humanity (p.s., i don't know if Gallup has polled all of humanity, but a majority of Americans actually support "gay rights" (sarcastic/smart-ass quotations in original)).

Now look. I have family members who say shit ten times worse than this duck dude during regular dinner conversation, and I usually just zip my lips, nod, smile, and start to drink heavily. I'm not saying I wouldn't sit down for a meal with the guy, or treat him with respect, or let him tell me stories and show me pictures of his grand kids. I believe that these types of attitudes are usually borne from ignorance, not evil or hatred. We do not spring forth from the womb with our biases and bigotry intact - that is learned behavior. I would certainly attempt, as I would with any fellow human, to find some thread of  understanding and connection. 

But that's not the issue here.

The real rub for me is how this guy is being painted as a poster boy for Free Speech and Christianity. Some Congressman called him "The Rosa Parks of our generation." You have GOT to be f*cking kidding me. Look, I'm no lawyer... oh wait, that's right, I am a lawyer. In that case, let me provide a quick primer. "Free Speech" under the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States protects individual citizens from governmental intrusion upon free speech. (There are plenty of exceptions, including hate speech, but we won't get into that here.) And Duck Dude has that right. He is free to publicly denounce homosexuality-cum-bestiality [no pun intended] and male [not female?] prostitution and anal sex [with a man, no mention of whether or not it's cool with your wife?] and all that other sinny stuff until his face turns blue. Just like Paula Deen, Richie Incognito, and Don Imus have the right to go stand on the street corner and preach their prejudices to the world. In the words of Jon Stewart, you have the right to say idiotic shit. I also like how my uncle puts it: "The First Amendment protects your right to be an asshole. It's up to your parents to raise you not to be." (And again. I'm not necessarily saying they're bad people. I wouldn't know. I haven't met them. Why do I feel like I'm talking to my kids? You're not a bad boy. This is just bad behavior.)

But just like the Food Network, the Miami Dolphins, CBS, or any other employer -- A&E has the right to reprimand, suspend, or fire his ass. I'm not saying it was necessarily a good call. I don't know. I haven't heard both sides of the story, nor seen how it's all going to play out. I'm just saying, it's their prerogative. As Robyn Pennacchia of Death and Taxes writes, "As far as I know, no one has a constitutional right to a reality show about their life."

Bottom line. Phil Robertson is in a legally binding contract with A&E. He is, for all intents and purposes, their employee, and a de facto representative of their network. I haven't read the contract, but it probably says something along the lines of "A&E can terminate your contract for whatever reason they damn well please, including but not limited to, spouting off at the mouth in a manner they feel affects the public's perception of their network and/or their bottom line." Now. Maybe, as Matt Walsh suggests, A&E has gravely misjudged public reaction to this type of thing, a la Chik-Fil-A. Maybe Ducky McDuckerson fan clubs will be sprouting up left and right, and FX network will snatch that gold mine of a show up so fast it'll make A&E's head spin. But. Just because they made a [potentially poor] business decision to publicly disapprove of Duck Dynamo's anti-gay rhetoric does not mean that they are anti-Christian [I'll leave aside the question of how a corporation is capable of "hating" anything or anyone]. That, along with this "Free Speech except for Christians" BS, is just specious nonsense intended to inflame people who don't know any better.

I'm not even going to entertain the notion that this guy is somehow being "persecuted" for his "religious beliefs." (Two can play the snarky quotes game.) The man was being interviewed by GQ magazine, and, in the context of his religious beliefs vis-a-vis homosexuality-as-sin, he describes in detail how a female vagina is infinitely more accommodating than a male anus. I'm sorry, but please, I dare you to take that shit to court. 

Walsh did make a valid(ish) point about A&E supposedly defending some moral high ground ("gay rights") while simultaneously peddling swill every other hour of the day (hoarders, housewives, trophy wives, whatever). But I could make the same general argument (i.e. hypocrisy) about Christians. Walsh accuses A&E of "hating Christians who have the audacity to believe the entire Bible, rather than just a few segments that pass the modern PC litmus test." I know an awful lot of Christians, and I have yet to meet a single one who follows the Bible to the letter. I've gone down Leviticus road before so I won't go into too much detail here, but you know what I mean. No one is spewing mouth sewage, penning vitriolic blog posts, and defending their constitutional right to publicly denounce divorcees, bacon-eaters, tattoos, premarital sex, etc.... This is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. Not just because Christians often cherry pick their biblical commandments in the same way that A&E prioritizes its PR messaging. But because, at the end of the day, isn't Christianity supposed to be about love and forgiveness? "Love the sinner, hate the sin?" The notion that I either have to hate gay people and what they stand for, or hate God/Christians/Christianity, is just absolutely absurd to me!* Not to mention, completely counter to my understanding of what that God and Christianity are all about. Where is the LOVE, people?!?!

Oh, also, one other small issue. When Jesus died, did he make you the sheriff of scripture? Why do people act like it is their personal mission in life to eradicate the world of sin? Why don't you just handle your own shit and let me and The Gays and God work it out amongst ourselves? 

Along the lines of using the Bible as cannon fodder in the quote-unquote-gay-rights debate, check out this interesting old post on CNN's Belief Blog about how the Bible was used to support both slavery and abolitionism. The point being, you can probably use the Bible in favor of just about any argument you want to make. That doesn't mean that you should. 

* I take back what I was going to say about this guy being reasonable and intelligent after seeing this post on his FB page:

What a douche box.

Sincerely,

The Christian-hating, left-wing-extremist-thought-police-Nazi (Matt Walsh definition), otherwise known as a normal human who has a whole slew of super christian family that she loves and respects, but also doesn't like when people disparage the lifestyle of her gay brother and family and friends in the name of religion.

The End.

Psyche! Sorry for getting political. I know I'm not saying anything earth shattering to people who already agree with me, and I'm not going to change the minds of the people who don't, so basically this was just a big fat waste of my time, but hey, since when has that ever stopped me?! ;)

On a lighter note - two of my favorite funny guys on the subject:

and this.

Googliography:

The Matt Walsh Blog - Dear A&E, congratulations, you just committed suicide.

Our Land - We are all living in a relationship with mystery, by Sarah at Left Brain Buddha.

GQ - What the Duck? by Drew Magary

Death and Taxes Mag - Enough Rope: Why suspending 'Duck Dynasty' star Phil Robertson over homophobic remarks wasn't the answer - by Robyn Pennacchia

CNN Belief Blog - How the Bible was used to justify slavery, abolitionism - by John Blake

explain it to me like i'm a 2 year old...

disclaimer: i am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination and obviously there are many things about religion in general and christianity and the bible in particular that i do not know or claim to know. and i certainly mean no disrespect. i am just telling it like i see it, on the outside looking in.

based on my observations, you are apparently allowed to pick and choose the parts of the bible that you want to follow. and hey, i don't blame ya. i've been reading the bible myself lately and there is some crazy ass shit in there. but guess what? the constitution isn't supposed to work that way.

i saw this bumper sticker yesterday that said "the US constitution: annoying liberals since 1787*." i laughed. (*btw, the constitution didn't go into effect until 1789 and the bill of rights wasn't ratified until 1791, but hey, who's counting.) anyway, i'm liberal and i happen to be quite fond of the constitution. i assume this sticker was referring to the second amendment in particular? okay. fine. you can have your second amendment (even though, p.s., it says "well regulated" RIGHT IN MUTHER LOVIN TEXT.) but alright. whatever. i won't pry your guns from your cold dead hands. i will pray that it isn't your (or my) child who gets shot in their preschool class or your (or my) mentally unstable war veteran husband who eats his own gun. i really don't understand the problem with background checks and education/safety regulations and outlawing things like uzis and grenade launchers from the general gun-toting public but i don't even want to fall down that rabbit hole right now.

my point is, there are actually 26 other amendments (well 25 in effect), among which can be found some super duper useful personal rights and protections, including the guarantees that "no person shall be denied life, liberty or property without due process of law" and "no State shall deny to any person within its jurisdiction equal protection of the laws." and what about "ALL men are created equal?" (declaration of independence), and "liberty and justice for ALL?" (pledge of allegience). yeah, those apply too. or at least, they should. sadly, as a society, we're a little slow on the uptake... but bit by bit we are realizing that equal really does mean equal. not silent but equal. not separate but equal. not "sort of kind of but not quite" equal. just EQUAL. and today we came one step closer to this - let's call it the Platonic ideal of equality.

what strikes me as strange is that most of the supporters of DOMA are the same people who rail against "big government." you lose your freaking mind when the government suggests you use flourescent light bulbs, but it makes perfect sense for the government to tell us which consenting adults can lawfully marry one-another? allowing the federal government to legislate love? that's a slippery slope my friends. that's the same type of power that might allow the government to tell you you are raising your kids the wrong way, or praising your god the wrong way, etc...  as far as i'm concerned, the government has no business dictating personal morality. as long as you're not hurting anyone else, and no one else is hurting you, WHY DO YOU CARE????????? I mean, I appreciate the concern and all, but if, according to you, my choices mean I'm going to burn in hell, isn't that my problem?

then there's the whole 'sanctity of mariage' argument. but unless you're gonna pass a constitutional amendment banning divorce and adultery and The Bachelor/Bachelorette and "who wants to marry a millionaire"/Rock of Love/Flavor of Love, and please for the love of god an everything holy do something about Tom cruise... Then no.

"the bible forbids it." okay. don't make me go leviticus on your ass. do you dig on swine? (Leviticus 11:7-8). toss around the pigskin on turkey day? (11:8). cut your hair/beard? (19:27). have a tattoo? (19:28). wear cotton-poly blends? (19:19). read gossip mags, or gossip yourself? (19:16) curse your parents? death! (okay i actually kind of agree with that one ;))(Exodus 21:17). are you divorced? (Mark 10:8). divorced and remarried? (Mark 10:11-12). do you ever work on the sabbath? death again! (Ex. 31:14-15) women speaking in church? the shame! (1 Corinthians 14:34-35). do you like shrimp? uh uh! (Leviticus 10-11) sex before marriage? (Deuteronomy 22:20-21). sex at "that time of the month?" sex too soon after giving birth? (Leviticus 12). what about this one? Genesis 38:6-10 "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also." requiring a woman to marry and have sex with her dead husband's brother? alright! "Spilling your seed?" more death! and i'm sure there are countless other examples. again. not trying to be disrespectful here. i understand this is a sacred text to many and i'm not trying to make light of it. but you can't deny that some of this stuff is just ridiculous in this day and age and to argue that one sentence was and is the inviolate word of God and the next, for whatever reason, no longer applies DOES NOT FLY!

what about the more general "it's against my religion" - THEN DON'T. EFFING. DO. IT. it really is that simple.

"we don't want this godless behavior condoned/institutionalized by our government"... Okay. Here we go with that pesky constitution again! 1st amendment. Separation of church and state. Maybe your marriage involves God. That's your prerogative. Mine is between me and my husband and the good state of Nevada.

oh and my fave, the "oh we believe it's a sin and we don't want our children to grow up thinking/learning it's okay" argument. well. alright. first, you can dress it up in all the religious trappings you please, but what we're really talking about here is homophobia. but hey. i have an irrational fear of mariachis. it happens. i'm working on it. anyway, more importantly, if you really think it's so wrong, then teach your children accordingly (and raise a whole new generation of homophobes! it is a "free" country, after all.) there are over seven BILLION people in this world. that means there are lots and lots and LOTS of ways to be/think/live. i'm not going to agree with all of them and they're not all going to agree with me. nor is it my place or their business to do so. the only thing i can and should control is how I live, and, to an extent, how my children live, and even that only goes so far.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”  - Paul Coelho

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”  - Paul Coelho

this generally isn't a place where i want to get all political. for the most part, i intend to keep my posts within the purview of poop and pee and preschool. but in this case, the personal IS political. my little brother and some of my very best and oldest friends are gay. until today (and still, in many states) they were/are relegated to a "skim milk" version of marriage (per my old lady crush RBG), or treated like second-class citizens not entitled to marriage at all. this enrages me. it makes me want to cry and punch things. i'm a lawyer. i have been trained to see, and argue, both sides of of any case. on most issues i'm willing to admit that reasonable minds could disagree. but not this time.

i know that the people who agree with me aren't hearing anything new and the people who don't probably aren't even listening, but being the narcissistic newbie blogger that i am, i felt i had to put my piece on "paper". i'll put the soap box back in the closet. for now.

and, scene.

click here for some gay marriage videos and laughter and maybe a tear or two.

source: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1200776/thumbs/
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source: live.usnews.com
http://images.scribblelive.com/2013/6/26
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no h8

i'm not gay, though a friend of mine does joke that i am a lesbian who likes penis and my husband is a gay may who likes vagina. i'd say i'm pretty textbook hetero... as long as that textbook has a standard exception for "that one time in college." BUT. what if i was a lesbian? would you love me any less? would you value me any less? could you look me in the eye and tell me i should be relegated to a lesser set of rights and protections than you? if you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then we are not going to be friends.

i'm somewhat ashamed to admit that i actually do have a couple of "friends" posting ridiculous bigotry online today in the wake of the Supreme Court's decisions on DOMA and Prop 8. if you are really really old and/or related to me then i give you a tentative pass because i can't really bring myself to divorce grandpas and grandmas and family, but otherwise, this seems like the perfect opportunity for some "spring cleaning" on facebook. DM actually prohibited me from getting on FB today because i get so worked up over stuff like this. (i disobeyed ;)) i don't mean i get "upset." i mean, basically, steam starts coming out of my ears and i can't think or eat or sleep and i give myself panic attacks. my primary care physician actually recommended that i not watch/listen to the news in general because i am such a stressball. sigh. i know some people get hurt feelings about being deleted from FB and i guess i can see that, but DM made a valid point when discussing it the other night - if you were at a party or whatever and someone started spouting shit you found offensive and which incited a burning sense of rage in your soul, you wouldn't stick around to listen to it and you sure as hell wouldn't invite that person to your parties anymore, right? so why subject yourself to that BS in the virtual world? yes, i am creating my own little utopia where everyone believes that all humans should be treated equally under the law. so fucking sue me.

my happy little world will be wallpapered with rainbows, and unicorns will abound, and there will be singing. lots of singing. today, the king of rainbow unicorn land is my little bro, who just "came out" on facebook. most everyone he knows already knew that he was gay, or at the very least suspected, based on the guy liner and the v-necks and the uber-tight girl jeans he buys at forever 21. but some people didn't know or suspect (don't underestimate the power of denial) and based on their vocal anti-gay and/or anti-gay marriage comments, may or may not react all that well. i am so proud of, and nervous for, my brave, beautiful baby brother. i have loved that boy with all my heart from the instant he graced our world 22 years ago. he had a whole welcoming party at the hospital when he arrived, which is befitting. with the 11 year age difference, i always sort of felt he was my very own. when my mom and stepdad died when brother was only 7, that only served to underscore my sense of responsibility and fierce mama bear protectiveness of him. it makes me so sad that Mom and Stepdad aren't around to see the amazing and really really ridiculously good looking young man he's become (and also to maybe convince him, as we have yet to do, to expedite the whole 8 year college plan ;)) i know they would be so, SO proud of the strong, thoughtful, brilliant, creative and independent man he has grown up to be.

i had a dream last night (in the few hours i slept between stressing about the Supreme Court rulings) that my brother and sister and mom and stepdad and stepgrams and stepgramps and DM and the littles and i were all sitting on funky quilts on a huge sunny porch in san francisco. it didn't feel like SF, because it was sunny and HOT, but it was. there was an enormous rainbow flag hanging off the porch and tons of happy noisy people in the street below. "Flash" the nearly nude rollerblader from pacific beach was also there in a glittery thong with rainbow butt cheeks and a mini american flag wedged between them. we were celebrating something and toasting with Wet Woodys and Mom and Stepdad were having a friendly disagreement about the proper proportion of the ingredients. i don't dream of them often anymore and this one really stood out because it seemed so real but at the same time part of me knew that it was a dream, and i was acutely aware of the fact that we were all just enjoying each other's company as "grown-ups" which is something my siblings and i never had the opportunity to do with our parents and something i really "miss" even though i never actually experienced it. it's weird too because two nights in a row now mister J has woken up in the middle of the night scared, saying "someone" was in his room. maybe this is something that kids just say. i remember i used to be completely convinced that the incredible hulk was in my room when i was little. nevertheless DM and i were both looking at each other like "what the crap?!" and i sent a little mental note into the heavens that if it is them haunting us, please come to my room, not the babies', because they wake up enough on their own as it is! but who knows. maybe they've been visiting, in spirit, to celebrate my brother and equality and summer and love.

okay ANYWAY. here's what my brother said. i love it and i love him. and if you have anything other than utter positivity in response to this, then i kindly invite you to take a long walk off a short pier.

Today is a fabulous day! In case you hadn't heard, the Supreme Court's ruling has officially overturned California's 2008 gay marriage ban, as well as the Defense Of Marriage Act. This is welcome news not just because I'm a bleeding heart ...liberal. I'm ecstatic because it affects me personally. Most of you know, some of you probably suspect, and an even smaller portion of my Facebook friends are unaware of this fact: I'M GAY. Phew! That was really hard to type. But it's something I've been meaning to do for a while. Here's why: Women won the right to vote in 1913. Racial segregation in schools was deemed unconstitutional in 1954. Though both women and African-Americans are "equal" in the eyes of the law, racism and sexism still exist today in shocking amounts. And this in spite of the fact that pretty much everyone has family/friends/acquaintances in both of these minority groups. That isn't the case for homosexuality. For too long have we hid our true selves. We've pretended that we could be "normal", some of us have even been subjected to "fixing". I for one have censored my Facebook posts and restricted content because I was worried about what people would think. But I say no more. I want everyone I know to know who I truly am; and being gay is part of that. It doesn't define me just like your eye color doesn't define you. I'm sorry for being long winded, but this is a big step towards true equality. I hope that by stepping all the way out of the closet, I can be an example of what I wish everyone could be: proud of who they are. I also hope to change a few minds. Who knows, maybe you've known me my whole life and the idea of treating me as lesser doesn't sit right with you. Maybe now that you "know a gay", you won't vote to take away my rights. Maybe we can talk as friends/family without secrets between us. Maybe, one day, you can congratulate me for walking down the aisle with the man of my dreams.

Happy Marriage Equality Day, California.

Happy Pride Month, USA.