Sh*t My Kids Say, Vol. 5

Friends, I'm going to be so sad when my kids stop being unintentionally hilarious!!! I can already kind of see it happening a little. I know I'm probably supposed to correct them and stuff but honestly, when my daughter stops saying "stampled" instead of "stapled," I will cry.

The fifth installment:

C: "Awwwww, I willy willy wish I could have a tiny baby unicowin, but Mama's allergic." Um, whut?

J: "This is a fwendship wing. It shoots fwendship into your soul." I need one of those!

I am one hundred years tall.

My feet weigh 37.8 pounds.

Tortilla = Torta-tilla.

Taxi = Shark Car (because of the 'fin' on top).

Chamomile tea = Camel tea.

Ghost Busters = Ghost mustard.

Feliz Navidad = Police Navidad.

J: Allen Wrench = Cool Ranch Screwdriver. LOL.

C: I need my booty [beauty] rest.

J: (re: spicy stuff) It tastes so good, but it doesn't feel so good.

S: Can you put my hair in a "bunch" like a ballerina? (Or a bun. Whatevs.)

J: About the pilgrims: "It was a hard trip through rough waters and all they had to drink was beer and wine." So... it wasn't all bad. ;)

J: "I want to go surfing this weekend, unless the waves are super gnarly." Ha! Welcome to SoCal, bro.

At the "beach." Should I be concerned he visualizes himself as a surfing sad clown/Jack Skellington? ;)

C: When she "accidentally" hurts brother's feelings. "I just didn't wealize..."

C (about the dryer): "It's like a wrinkling oven." Oh dear.

C: Bignormous.

There's a restaurant in our neighborhood we like called "Hapi Fish." We were talking about where we should go to dinner and Colby said, "We could go to Hapi Fish, or we could go to Sad Fish." Which is apparently what she calls the other sushi place down the street. Probably not going to be a marketing mastermind ;)

"Doctor Colby" and "Doctor Jack." C: We live in Ant-Doctor-Ka. Because we're doctors. And because it's dawk for most of the day there.

J and C were looking at their passports and J was explaining to C:

"This is the Statue of Liverty"

"And this is Buffalo Wild Wings"

Me: Wow, Jill always gives you juice. Lucky you. Mama never gives you juice.
J: I already know what you're gonna say, Mama. All that juice stwesses you out. But pwease don't tell her not to give us juice anymore. Dat would stwess ME out!

Driving on the freeway overpass the other day, Jack looks down and says, "Man, there's so much twaffic on the 5 these days." Thanks, gramps. Is your bad knee telling you it's gonna rain tomorrow, too? :)

Jack asked to borrow Colby's new skateboard. Her response: "My hawt is telling me no, but you can still use it." And later, when she, somewhat forcefully, took it back he started crying, "She STOLE her skateboard from me!!!"

J: "I hope you won't take this as a threat, but Colby is going to keep crying until you go get her some water."

C telling a story: So, um, so, we played this game... and then... we played this other game... and then ... we rode bikes... and then... we went to home depot... J: I played soccer! C: JACK INTAWUPTED ME!!!! Me: Sorry babe. Sometimes it's hard for us to know you're still talking because, you, um, stop.

But, apparently, this isn't a two-way street. The kids were riding bikes out front and Jack was trying to explain "The Rules of Engagement." Colby just bikes off. Jack gets upset and says "Colby! You have to listen to me! You can't just ride away!" She pays no attention so Jack goes to tattle to Daddy, who waffles. Colby does a drive-by and says, "I don't have to listen if you take a willy, willy long time to tell the stowy and it gets bo-wing." Fair enough.

Sitting on the couch in the playroom. Me: "What is this stuff all over the couch?" Colby: "It's eithah bwead cwumbs or boogahs." WTF?! Cue talk about boogers and Mom's furniture. I'm sure that one really sunk in.

I overhear Jack: "...dimensional portal..."
Me: What's a 'dimensional portal'?
J: DI-mension portal, mama.
Duh.

C: Will you hand me the Valcony?
J: It's the Millenium Valcon, not Valcony.
Me: Actually I think it's the Millenium Falcon.
C: I was just about to say that.

The kids are super into being "waiters" and helping set the table, etc. Jack brought a bowl of hot pasta to the table and when I took it from him I said, "Wow! That's hot! Isn't that hurting your hands?" He shrugged and said "I don't know, I'm just used to it, I guess. I touch willy hot things all the time, like lava and stuff." Oh, right, of course ;)

C and J were trying to get the particulars of how DM and I came to be "one." C to DM: "So you weren't always mawwied? Ima and Baba didn't always know Mama? You and Mama were STWANGERS???" DM: "Well, we were strangers and then were were friends and then we fell in love and then we got married." C: "I need to find myself a nice stwanger to marry someday." Sounds like a Disney movie to me :)

Jack's definitely going to be a vegetarian once he realizes I avoid meat on purpose and not because I'm "allergic." He always asks "Is this made from an aminal?" And FYI, watching Charlotte's Web didn't help. The other day we were trying to get him to eat some bacon and he was protesting and Colby said, "Jack, you need to eat pwotein so you can gwow up to be my big, helfy bruddah. If you don't has pwotein, den you won't gwow, and den you won't be my BIG bruddah anymore, you'll be my little bruddah." She makes a persuasive argument :)

We saw this weird retro ad on TV for KFC and Colonel Sanders was wearing a bolero tie. Colby asked, "Why is dat man wearing a leash?!"

C: You can pick your fwends, but nobody else can pick your nose, right mama?

The other morning DM and I said we would play Rock Paper Scissors for who was going to do bedtime. As I was putting them to bed, Jack says, "So I guess you won rock, paper, scissors, huh mama?" Yeah, something like that ;)

The kids were just vacuuming each other with a dust-buster. That means we can skip bath, right?

Jack: I'm da magic tooter because my toots don't stink!
Colby: MINE DO!

Colby made a sandwich on a King's Hawaiian roll with buttery noodles in the middle. I think she's mine :) She was also dipping her carrots in butter AND ranch the other day (ew), which probably negates any nutritional value they might have, but hey, you know me and ranch go way back :)

Colby: "I'm just a little girl with little ears, so dat's why I can't be a good listenah."

The kids wanted an "after dinner treat" and I said we didn't have time for them to have lollipops because they take for-freaking-ever, so they spent the next 47,000 minutes painstakingly choosing something from their Easter baskets. I finally said "C'mon guys, hurry it along, will ya?" And Jack said, "Well, did is what happens when we don't get lollipops."

C: Mama, do you want to hear dis lovely music on the carmonica?

C: I like da rain because California is in a sewious dwought and we need watah!

J went through this short phase where he was calling C a pygmy shrew??? (Sounds like "pygmy shwoo.") No clue where he got this, but it just SLAYED me. And it's pretty accurate, actually. lolol.

The other day I drove right past the doggy daycare place. I said, "Oh man, I almost totally forgot the dogs! What a mean mama!" Colby said "It's okay. You look like a mean mama but you're actually not, so I still love you." Ummm, thanks?

C: "Mama, you're a lot pwetty and a little bit fun." Well, hey, we can't all be the life of the party.

J telling me that his teacher has this "magical spray" that makes boo-boos feel better. Me: Oh, maybe I should get some. J makes this face like, Ooooooh....hmmm... that's going to be a problem. He says "Welllll... It's at a pwace you and daddy don't willy like vewy much... It's ... at... [whispers] Walmawt." Ha. Sorry Walmart.

Meanwhile, at Target, my mothership. We were there the other day. DM was out of town. I told them if they were good we could go out to lunch after. Jack had this total tantrum in the store because I wouldn't buy him some toy. I was totally flabbergasted because usually they're really good out and about and I had somehow, by the grace of God, avoided the stereotypical tantrum in Target scenario thus far. I was saying, out loud, "Really? This is actually happening? Are we seriously doing this right now?" He kind of pulled it together but then lost his shit again as we were going out to the car. I got my first "I HATE YOU!" which was simultaneously jarring, heartbreaking, and hysterical. I said, No lunch! And he said, "FINE! Then I'm gonna make you MAKE me lunch and you're gonna HATE IT because YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK!" Damn, kid! Et tu, Brute?

Me: UGH! Who peed on the toilet, AGAIN?
C: It wasn't me! My pwivates don't move. Jack is the only one's whos pwivates move ALL OVAH DA PLACE! It musta been him.

Colby tickled Jack until he was laughing hysterically and then asked, "Did I make you pee a little?" lolol, wonder where she got that idea? Post-kid bladder control's a biatch.

C: Tell Jack to stop singing that song, it's hurting my foot!!!

J stuffed a big ole seaweed chip into his mouth. Colby said, "Dat's not appwopwiate, Jack." He replied "It's not inappwopwiate, it's just bad mannahs." (He then outlined the parameters of "inappwopwiateness," including but not limited to fawt jokes and potty woids.)

The other day C knocked over a whole tower of Magnatiles and said, "Mother of God!" Oopsies. Could be a lot worse, I guess ;)

I decided to outlaw gummy vitamins for dental hygiene reasons, so I bought some regular chewable vitamins (which, PS, are even worse) and Jack saw them and said, "Colby, Look! Mama bought us these awesome old school vitamins!" Flinstones are so retro.

Colby (who just turned 4) thinks the alphabet goes "A, B, C, T.... Y M Z." Second child. She'll learn it eventually, right? ;)

For a long time, the girl wouldn't let us leave her room at night. We had to go through all these machinations and negotiations but I finally figured out the answer: Good ole reverse phychology.
Me: Okay, time to sleep. But I'm soooo tired. I think I'll just sleep here.
C: Well, you need to get up and go into your own bed.
Me: So sleepy though.
C: Seriously, Mama. Get outta my bed!
Me: But it's so comfy! And you're so snuggly like a fluffy pillow!
C: Well, there's not enough room in this bed for two.
Don't let the door hit ya... ;)

Colby's teacher was talking to DM about Colbs and her little BFF. "One's the mother figure and the other's the drama queen." DM said "Which one's which?" And the teacher said "I'll leave you to figure that out." DM was recounting this to me and Colby pipes in, "I'M THE QUEEN!"

J: "I wish we could play 'the hooky' tomorrow." Me too, bud. Me too.

C to J: You're a rat-a-tootie and I'm a rat-a-cutie!

J: Abe Linked-In. (History in the 21st century.)

Colby is EXTREMELY CONCERNED that our dogs do not have the same last name as her. Her own mother? Eh. But the dogs? This is NOT OKAY and must be remedied IMMEDIATELY.

When I asked the girl what kind of birthday party she wanted: "Wainbow spawkle unicorn jumping over a wainbow spawkle bwidge of wainbows." Alrighty then.

She also said, "You thought of the name Wainbow when I was in your tummy, but you didn't want that even though it was a pwetty name, then Golden came into your head and you said, "We can give her golden hair but name her Colby with wainbows in her hawt." <3

J: You know what I like, Mama?
Me: What?
J: Being a kid.
Awww <3 This is especially sweet coming from our resident Eeyore.

I heart them.

To read more funny sh*t my kids say:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

My husband thinks he's pretty funny, too: 

Sh*t My Husband Says 

sh*t my kids say, vol. 4

My kids were born with this amazing survival mechanism called "Be irresistibly cute at the exact moment one or both parents are preparing to throw you out the window." See examples below.

Bedtime has been drama lately. The worst thing in Jack's life is going to sleep. He hates it, just like his dad. It is a grave injustice that DM gets to stay up later than him (not me, I hightail it to bed as soon as humanly possible). It's just NOT FAIR! The other night there was a bunch of ballyhoo, and then we were talking things out, and he said "Well, that's the first fair thing I've heard you say all night!" Ha.

At bedtime I tell Colby I'll stay "an extra minute" if she promises "no fussin' and fightin'" when I leave. This morning she said "Mama! No fuzz last night! Can I get a stickah?" And the other night I came home to a bunch of dinnertime drama and C said "Mama? Daddy is making Jack eat his dinnah and he is SUPAH fuzzy about it."

This reminds me of the other day when we were cajoling J to eat some bacon. This kid is DEFINITELY going to be a vegetarian. He is always asking "Is dis made out of aminals?" Watching Charlotte's Web did not help. Anyway, we were trying to get him to eat some fried Wilbur and he was not having it. Colby (who definitely digs on swine) said "Jack, you hass to eat it so you can gwow big and stwong and helfy. If you don't eat your pwotein, you won't be my big brudder anymore, you'll just be my little tiny baby brudder."

And here's something they both like to say lately when things don't go their way:
"I do not agree with this plan."
Too effin bad, kid. This is not a democracy, this is a benevolent dictatorship, and you are pissing Chairman Mom the hell off.

The other night was "just one of those nights." I said "Oh man, this is not a good situation." Jack came up to me, put his hand on my head and said, "What seems to be the twubble, Mama?" He was my favorite child that night :)

He's such a little love, he is always worried that people are going to be sad or have their feelings hurt. Like if for whatever reason we drive two cars somewhere, he gets so stressed out choosing who to ride home with, because he doesn't want anyone to be sad! And he loves giving compliments. The other day he said "Mama, you are the best at painting toenails. The best in the WHOLE WOILD!" Then he looks over at DM and says "Daddy, even though I didn't say you were the best at painting toenails, I love you VERY much, and you are very good at lots of things." <3

And he's the best big brother. He Colby's biggest fan and cheerleader. He's taken to holding the door open for her and saying "After you." (And she, in turn, does it for me <3) The other night she was trying to climb up on our bed and he said "Can I give you a hand, sistah?" Oh yeah and he feeds her sometimes. Right at the point in the painful and dramatic Spanish soap opera that is dinnertime where we're about to throw her in the river for fish food, he steps in and starts playing "Chugga chugga choo choo, open up, the twain's coming into the tunnel!" with her taco salad.

sorry. i don't mean to offend. this just makes me laugh.

And the girl is such a little bossypants. I know you're not "supposed" to say this about little "grill" chiles, but I can't help it, its true.

C: Here Jack, you can have this toy. *Gives him the toy.* Now say 'Thank you for the toy!'"
J: Thank you for the toy!
C: You're welcome!

C: Hey! Who dwopped my scissahs?
J: Me.
C: Say sorry!
J: Sorry.
C: Dat's okayyyyy :)

She's a love though. Most of the time.

C: I love dat bading soup [bathing suit] you are wearing, Mama! Who got dat for you?
Me: I got it for myself.
C: Aw, dat was so nice of yourself.
It was, wasn't it? ;)

Then again sometimes she's not. She bit her brother this weekend. When I scolded her (well, after an initial period of indignant rage at being called out), she said "I'm da wittow sistow. I don't know any bettah." *Eye roll.* Lord help us.

The kids are big Star Wars fans. The other night C and DM were petting Feta and she was breathing heavily. Colby said, "That must be Darf Vader in her belly."

J: "No, he's called C-FWEAKY-O (instead of C-3PO) because he fweaks out all da time!

Me: I have a Mazda, and Daddy has a Toyota.
J: I like Daddy's car the best, because it has Jedi Master Yoda in the name!

The other night Colby was looking at a picture from our wedding, and she asked where she and Jack were. I said they weren't born yet, they were just a twinkle in their daddy's eye. She holds the picture up to DM and says "Daddy, do you remember this picture when I was twinkling inside your eyebowl?"

Speaking of before they were born, somehow we got onto the subject of when they were in utero.
C: I didn't like being in mommy's belly. It was scary in dare.
J: I loved it! It was like a cozy bouncy house!
C: Well I didn't. It was dark and I was lonely.
Yikes. Poor kid. Who knew you could eff them up before they were even born?!

C taking my picture with the phone:
Me: How do I look?
C: Mmm. Not so good. Let's twy dat again.
*Takes another picture.*
Oooh, dat looks fabulous mama!

J was in the middle of a major malfunction. I told him to calm down, and try breathing through his nose. His response: "How am I supposed to do that, Mama?! My nose is totally stuffed up! Do you think I'm some kind of fweaking wizard or someting?!"

C: "Mawmaw -  I am SO fweakin' out about dis!" (Apparently we're teenagers now?)

Washing machine = Wet Dryer.
Dryer = Dry washer.
Nail salon = Toe nail store (ew).
Aquarium = Shark zoo.
Seal = Doggy dolphin.
Swimsuit cover up = Bading Soup Jacket

C (in a public restroom with both kids): Mama, why you got a hairy butt?
Me: That's not my butt. That's... can we discuss this later?
J: Why doesn't Colby have furry pwivates like you do?
Ah, the innocence of youth.

J: Nobody can have any fun or play any games while I'm pooping!
FOMO, No. 2.

C: I need pwivacy when I poop. But not when I pee.
Totally get that ;)

The kids are also freakishly specific and accurate in estimating the number of poops they have? They've taken to timing their daily constitutionals to the last possible moment before bath time, when we're already running late for the evening's action-packed agenda. I usually grumble about it a little bit and last night J said "Don't worry mama, this will be quick, I only have 2 poops!"
Me: How can you possibly know that?
J: I can just tell.

Colby recently found, somewhere, a little square of that waffle-type non-slip drawer/shelf liner material.
C: Dis is my blankie from when I was born-ded.
Me: That's not a blankie, it goes on shelves.
C: Nope. It's my blankie.
So, she's currently snuggling and sleeping with some shelf liner. Awesome mom.

"blanket" [< said in creepy michael jackson voice]

Speaking of Michael Jackson, my kid is so not PC. She refuses to believe Michael Jackson was a man. "Nope. He's a grill." Period. End of sentence.

Oh and C's new thing is she will do something (eat the last quesadilla slice, bend her paper, etc), then freak out because her quesadilla is gone or her paper is bent. Then when I point out that she is the one who did said unforgivable action, she starts crying "NO I DIDN'T!!! I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF DO IT!!!" I can't get too mad because I definitely do that sometimes with really delicious foods or beverages or an entire pack of Rolos.

Jack: You know what I like?
Me: What?
J: Being a kid. It's pwetty gweat.
Yeah dude. Seems like a pretty sweet gig! <3

Top reasons CPS might come knocking this week:

The other morning, Jack starts singing out of the blue:

"Bad bad whiskey.
Bad, bad whiskey.
Bad, bad whiskey, 
Made me lose my happy home."
(It's a song by Buddy Guy. And, apparently, I need to be a little more careful about editing my iTunes playlists!)

Another morning, the kids froke out because I wouldn't let them take beer bottle caps to school with them.
Me: Those are not toys. They're sharp and they could hurt someone.
J: Well Daddy let's us play with them.
[Choice words for Daddy in my brain.]
Me: Well he shouldn't. They're not toys. They're garbage. Grown up garbage.
I tell DM about this later and he said, "Yeah, I'll be throwing those away from now on."
I inform him that J said "Daddy lets us throw them at the dart board."
DM: Well how else are they gonna work on their caps game?!"
[More choice words for Daddy in my brain.]

And in closing: DM: "Holy shit. We made tiny humans. That is never gonna be not-weird."

To see more funny sh*t, see volumes 1, 2, and 3, as well as sh*t my husband says.

If you liked this, you'll love my essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. Buy it HERE!

shit my kids say, vol. 3

When my kids are not causing me to curl up in the fetal position on a corner of the kitchen floor, they're cracking my shit up. Here's the most recent installment of mild to moderate hilarity from Jack ("four and free quarters") and Colby ("just plain free").

Jack: Refried beans = "Mexican hummus."

Colby: "Mac & cheese makes my heart happy." And she wanted to put butter on her cheese. Because, who wouldn't want to double up on two of the lord's most perfect creations. It's like the Beyonce and Jay-Z of dairy products. A match made in heaven.

Oh and they refer to Sriracha as "Awesome Sauce."
Jack likes a little kick, but Colby is not a big fan of "Picey Stuff."
C: "Twust me, I do NOT LIKE Awesome Sauce. It will burn up my frope [throat] and give me tummy twubbles!"

The kids have been into wrestling and whatnot lately. My sister and I never really did that and my brother is 11 years younger than me, so I am just making up the rules as we go along. The other night they were playing "American Ninja Princess Warrior" and there was a loud thunk and then tears. I yelled from the kitchen, "Keep your hands to yourselves, guys." J: "We ARE keeping our hands to ourselves! Just smashing bodies and heads!" Oh. Well then, Carry on.

And here's Colby's assessment of American Ninja Princess Warrior: "We both fight, but he falls down."

We still talk about Blue, my best old puppy dog who died at the age of 13 last August. Colby asked "How did Blue get to Heavens?" J: "Pwobly Heaven's Ambulance." That's definitely going to be the name of my death metal band.

C: "We miss you, Blue. You're welcome home. But you're dead." Hopefully tact is something that develops with age?

We also talk about our new dog, Feta, and her physiological challenges:

C: "Feta can't open pwesents cuz she doesn't has fumbs [thumbs]." And "I can't sit in Feta's lap cuz dogs don't has laps." Keen observation, child.

I had to take J to dog training class with me. He said "I pwomise I will be as peaceful as a wock."

Speaking of peaceful, the other day we were reading this book, "What peace means to me." I was asking the kids what peace meant to them, and Jack said "Peace means being helpful and respectful and being responsible. And peace means when there are only two pieces of pizza left and you want them both but your sister wants one, so you share with her." He added, " Then, I use my big boy voice and ask nicely for you and Daddy to buy me another pizza." Sounds about right ;)

C playing with a mermaid doll: "What's dis fwapping ting?"
Me: "Her mermaid tail."
C: "To kick bawls?"
Me: "If necessary." ;)

Oh and when we were planning Colby's third birthday celebrations she said "I want to have my birfday with Grandma and Grandpa. We can bwing my birfday to Delaware! But don't get my birfday dirty!"

And am I the only one whose kids are kind of morbid little weirdos?

J: "If you run a red light then the police officer will give you a ticket and then shoot you."

J: "Bad guys go in the 'shreddah' (I take it this is like a human-sized Ninja blender?) and get shredded and turned into a smoothie that monsters can drink through a straw." WTF?

C singing along to Frosty the Snowman: "Froooostyyyy da snowman, was alive and den was dead..."

But sometimes they're just cute and funny and strange.

DM to C: "Do you know you're the cutest daughter that I have?"
C: "Yep. Sometimes I'm bad, but I'm still willy cute, even when I'm bad."
Truth. And therein lies the problem. I swear it must be an evolutionary thing.

J: "Colby, dat is NOT appwopwiate for kids to say."

I don't know why but this made me laugh:

J: "Can we have bowtie pasta sometime? Aidan has it in his lunch."
Me: "Would you like it in your lunch?"
J: "No. I don't like cold pasta, mama. I've told you that maybe like 10 times or so."
Me: "I know, but you might change your mind. I love cold pasta."
J: "I will never change my mind."
Me: "You never know. Anything's possible."
J: "Mama, did you always like cold pasta?"
Me: "I think so."
J: "Well. Someday you might change your mind and not like it anymore. Anything's possible."
Me: "Anything's possible."

J: "Can you do such-and-such thing for me?"
Me: "I can't right now, bud. I'll do it in a few minutes."
J: "I need you to do it right now or else I'll turn into a statue."
Me: "Buddy, you have to be patient. I'm doing a million things at once here."
J: "Not really a million. Maybe like seven."
Me: "Okay. Seven. That's still a lot. Now can you get out of the kitchen? Please? I've asked you guys twenty times already."
J: "You haven't exactly asked twenty times. Only two or three."

J: "When I'm 18 I'll technically be an adult."

J: "What's da' big idea, woman?!"

C & DM having a lively conversation about the sounds poop makes when it hits the toilet. (Gross.)
C: "Don't make that face!"
DM: "Okay, sorry."
C: "I said don't make that face!"
DM: "That was a different face!"
C: "I don't want any of your faces right now!"
Sister, I know how you feel ;)

C: "Let's get ourselves situated." Let's :)

C: "I'm in jail because of my fwend."
J: "And he is pwobly no longer your fwend." Ha!

For Mother's Day weekend, we had a little "staycation" at a local hotel. We got a sitter while DM took me out to brunch Saturday, then he dropped me at the hotel to lounge while he ran the kids and the dog, and brought the kids and dinner around 5:30 or 6. At bedtime we're all saying our goodnights.
C: "Goodnight. I love you. I hope you sleep well. I had a wonderful day."
Me: "Aww, I had a wonderful day too!"
C: "What da HECK are you talking bout?! You're weren't even dare for any of it!"
Ouch! Knife to the heart. Ha. Well. I never said I had a wonderful day with you, punky brewster! :p

Lately Colby has been saying things like, "Send Daddy and email to 'wemind him' to bwing my blankie" (like, when he's in the other room). And she recently asked me to send a text message to Santa. A real 21st Century child!

I had knee surgery last week, and Colby's theory on my injury is as follows: "Mama ate too many tacos, and broke her knee."
Me: "Hey! The doctor said I was a perfectly healthy weight! This is not a taco-induced injury!"
J: "The doctah was wrooooong."

Me, playing Memory with Colby: "You have an excellent memory. I'm impressed."
C: "Because I have a good heart!"
Me: "You do have a good heart! Also a big brain."
C: "And I'm stylish." *Raising eyebrows up and down behind sunglasses.*

Colby noticed a three-day-old injury in the bath today. It was like experiencing the pain and trauma all over again. She needed a moment. Then she said "I tink dis is da worst ting dat ever happened to me."
J: "No it isn't. You could've been shot in the head. Or stabbed with electricity. Sensei wouldn't cry 'bout an elbow."
Welcome to Real Talk with Jackson Jay.

C: "I made this necklace for you because you're my special curly girl."
Me: "Oh my gosh, thank you so much!"
Two minutes later -
C: "You have to share it because I also made it for Jack. Take it off now."

Me: "Colbs, will you snuggle me for a minute?"
C: "I'll snuggle you forevah and evah." *Patting me.* "I'll always take care of you, Mama."
Me: Awww. *Heart melting.*
C: *Scrunching up her face.* "What's dat smell???"
Me: "What smell?"
C: "P-U! Dat's your stinky coffee bweff! You need to go bwush yo' teef, Mama. Den you can come back and snuggle. Go ahead. I'll save your spot."

Oh man, and this killed me:

[Heard while swimming]
C: "Daddy, don't let go of me until I'm ready."
DM: "Baby, I won't let go of you until long after you're ready." <3

(For a retrospective of sh*t my kids say, see volumes I and II. Also, sh*t my husband says. And volume IV is coming soon. My kids are just SO HILARIOUS I couldn't fit it all in one post ;))

If you liked this, you'll love my essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. Buy it HERE!