cat hair coffee

Last night, we were eating hamburgers (well, my kids were eating hamburgers, as slowly as humanly possible), and my son dropped half his on the ground, patty-down. It may possibly have been licked by the dog. Definitely coated with a little dog hair and general floor fuzz. I assumed it was a goner because he's usually neurotic about that kind of thing. I offered him half of his sister's burger because she wasn't going to finish it but he wailed NOOOOO he wanted HIS burger. I assumed this was one of those lose-lose situations (wants burger, can't have burger), but then, to my utter shock (and slight horror), he asked me to wash it off. I was like, really??? He said yes. This was well beyond the bounds of the "5 second rule" but I decided I was just going to roll with it because I didn't want to discourage this behavior from my little germophobe. So I washed it off. Reassembled it. And he ate it. Well. Some of it. Later that night I was telling DM this amazing story and he starts making this face and I said, "What?!" and he replied "I finished his burger when I got home." Hahahaha. Immunity boost, baby!!!

This reminds me of the time I worked for a crazy person. He was nice (sometimes), and quite good at his job. But not entirely sane. This is the guy who said to me in the interview, "You minored in Critical Gender Studies? What is that? Some lesbian shit?" He ran a law practice out of his house. My "office" was a bedroom next to the one where he slept with his wife and two kids on double bunk-beds. The grandpa was also a lawyer (allegedly), and was often at the house as well. One time Gramps told me that they "cured" the wife's cat allergies by putting cat hair in the coffee filter for a few months. When they saw the look on my face, the guy and his pops were like, "What?! It worked!" My reply: "I don't doubt that it did. With my rudimentary understanding of allergies, it makes sense in this super insane sort of way. But that doesn't make it any less f*cked up." I only drank Starbucks after that.

I can't find the picture now. I may have taken it down, or it just got lost in the dungeon of Facebook archives. But the best story from my time there was this one client interview. Let me set the stage. We're in the dude's living room. He's wearing jean shorts and tevas with white socks and a ratty undershirt. The wife-slash-office manager offered the client a cup of cat hair coffee. We're sitting around a conference table in said living room, surrounded by legal volumes and elementary school homework. The client asks to use the restroom. My boss replies "Number one or number two?" The client was understandably baffled by the question. "Uhhh, pardon?" My boss (like he hadn't just asked a completely ridiculous question): "Do you just have to piss? Or do you need to take a shit?" Client: "Just... number one." Boss: "Alright. Cool. There's a dead fish clogging the pipes so don't flush. 'If it's yellow, let it mellow, man.'" I'm thinking we probably did not close the deal with that client.

my artistic rendering of the helpful signage provided by my old boss's 7 year old son.

I actually learned a lot from that guy. I'm grateful for the opportunities in legal and social learning that he afforded me. I'd like to think I taught him a thing or two as well. For example, it is not appropriate to pee in a Starbucks cup, while driving, with your female employee riding shotgun, because, among other things, "she can see your d*ck." Now, if it had been, say, a hot coffee cup instead of an iced coffee cup, thereby providing adequate cover for his genitalia, maybe that would've been a different story.

I stopped drinking Starbucks after that.

brings new meaning to the term 'penis straw'

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allergic to life

Okay, so, basically, I have been suffering from searing headaches and ear pain off and on but more on than off for about 8 months (specifically, since I flew back from Delaware with a bad head cold after Thanksgiving 2012). I have had all sorts of tests done including allergy tests which is stupid because I have been allergic to everything my whole entire life and that problem is separate from the one where I feel like my head is filled with cement AND is being pumped full of air like a helium balloon full-to-bursting and I can't really hear that well except sometimes when I hear double which by the way is DOUBLE THE FUN when your kids are screaming/crying. It's like my own personal SYMPHONY OF HELL. Anyway. In the process of all of that, this conversation happened:

Dr: You are allergic to basically all of the 23 allergens tested [except, interestingly, cockroach dust/poop], but you are highly allergic to mold, dust mites, and dog dander.
Me: Oh, well that's super awesome because EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE is covered with a patina of those three things.
Dr: You can do yada yada yada for the mold and the dust mites. Now. About the dog. Would getting rid of "it" be an option?
Me: No. I've had her for 12 years. She's like my child. I often actually prefer her to my children.
Dr: Okay, well, no disrespect to your beloved pet-child but at least, if she's 12, she probably won't be around for that much longer....?
Me: She is not going to die anytime soon, I promise you that.
Dr: Okayyy. Well when she does, I strongly recommend you not get another dog. It would significantly alleviate your symptoms.
Me: Yeah that's not happening either.
Dr: Alright. Well. Where does the dog sleep?
Me: Ummmmmmmm...Weeeelllllll.... Sort of... in... my... bed?
Dr: *Sigh.*

[They did not test for rabbits, but, FYI, however allergic I am to dogs, I am 17 times more allergic to rabbits. Once my little sister was visiting me while I was in college and we thought it would be fun to get me a pet rabbit. (This was before Blue.) We got the cutest little grey  dwarf bunny and named her (him?) Sushi or Eggroll or something. She peed on my sister on the way home so she would've fit right in with my current family. However, approximately 53 minutes later, I was wheezing and sneezing and uncontrollably leaking tears from my eyes. We had to take her back and I thought there might be an issue re: the return policy but apparently the fact that my face was swollen shut brooked no argument.]

Anyway... Back to the 21st century...Later that day, the little Jackabee pees his pants IN THE BATHROOM [why do they do that?!? "do you have to pee?" "no." "how about now?" "no." 30 seconds later: "OH NOOOO I HAVE TO PEEEEEE AAAAAAH!"]. Blue immediately starts drinking and dancing in the puddle so I grab her and toss her in the bathtub so I can deal with her pee-feet and pee-face after I deal with the pee-kid and the pee-pants/underwear/socks/shoes and pee-puddle on the pee-floor, AND SHE FREAKING BITES ME!!!!! Like, HARD. Sh*t in my purse? Fine. Bite me? Oh hellllllll no! Good thing I have friends at the Humane Society de Tijuana! There's a cute new doggy up for adoption! She's a "senior citizen" but shhhhhhh! She doesn't know it. My next pet is going to be a cockroach.



sooooo weird. i do love bedazzles though.
source: www.sodahead.com



source: www.kootation.com



my NEXT dog
source: http://www.thesefriesaregood.com/page/9/