NOBODY can have it ALL

wah wah wah... i may be suffering from a case of the mondays...

last night i sat down to write a post about my sweet sensitive boy and his favorite pink blankie. but, being the overthinker that i am, the subject got away from me. it turned into this enormous rambling monster that jumped from gender equality and stereotypes to the traditional roles of marriage to introverted and "highly sensitive" personality types, etc etc etc. i had to rethink and decided i would break it down. one post would be about boys and girls and how, in my (albeit limited) experience, they're not as different as you would assume or as the dichotomies that permeate the ether would have you believe. at least, not in the ways you would think.

another (somewhat related) post would be about "sensitive boys" and how they fare in a society that places such a premium on these contrived notions of masculinity and femininity.

i was not and am not trying to get to the heart of persistent gender inequality or instigate the next wave of feminism or examine the much maligned plight of the white male. i was just asking questions that maybe don't really have answers, because... isn't that what you do on the internet?

THEN. this morning i see, for like, the 37th time this year, another f*cking article about how women can't have it all. ARGH.

look. i'm not saying these people aren't making valid points. but helloooooo. have you ever heard of The Little Engine That Could? or how about the Henry Ford quote, "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right." women will never be truly be on equal footing if everyone keeps reminding them that they can't be. because if you hear something enough times, you are going to start believing it.

and by the way. WHY is it always about what WOMEN can't have?!? NOBODY can have it all. seriously. not even "The 1%." each of us only has two hands and one head and twenty-four hours in a day. SOMETHING's gotta give. we all - single parents, working moms, stay-at-home dads, trophy wives, fortune 500 CEOs and everything in between, have to prioritize, pick what's most important to us, and do the best we can. but let's try to find that line between reasonably tempering expectations, and clipping our wings.

so maybe my son and my daughter can't "have it all." but i want them to be able to choose who they are and what they want to be based on what they feel in their hearts and minds, not based on some predestined plan predicated upon their possession of either testicles or ovaries. i mean, okay, my girl may not be able to successfully pee standing up (but, to be honest, the boys in my life aren't super awesome at it, either) or get an embarrassing boner in gym class (no big loss there!) and my son will never personally experience the joys and terrors of carrying a child, growing boobs (or in my case, buying them), or starting your period while wearing white shorts. but. non-negotiable physical differences aside, i plan to tell them BOTH that they can do whatever they want to do, love whoever they want to love, be whatever (and whoever) they want to be. nothing's standing in their way... and i am hoping, if i say it again and again and again and again... by the time they are grown... it might actually be true.

*sigh.* a girl can dream. (editor's note: boys can dream, too ;))

more tangential musings coming your way soon.

in the meantime, a little more rain for your parade:

"Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect" by Deborah Spar on The Daily Beast

"Debora Spar, Barnard President, Says Women Can't Have It All, And Shouldn't Even Try" by Lori Leibovich on Huff Post Parents.

"Why Women Still Can't Have It All," Anne-Marie Slaughter, The Atlantic

Mother! If Drew Barrymore can't have it all, I'm screwed.

Sheryl Sandberg Commencement Speech < "Don't leave before you leave." So true! And easier said than done.

And then there's this thoroughly depressing piece, "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In" by Judith Warner in The New York Times. Alternatively titled, "whatever you decide to do, you're f%&#$*."

"The Women Who Do It All But Don't Have It All" by Georgeta Dragoiu on The Washington Post. The intersection of race, class and gender - triply f%^&ed.

"Why Men Still Can't Have It All" by Richard Dorment on Esquire. < Yes! Exactly!

"Longer Maternity Leave Not So Great for Women After All" by Kay Hymowitz on Time.com < Aaaaah, the dreaded "Mommy Track," I know ALL about that!

"New Study Destroys Myth Than Women 'Can't Have It All'" by Max Nisen on The Business Insider < Sweet, so, if I move to Holland, and find a law firm that's cool with me working 10-19 hours a week (I'm sure there are plenty), I'm golden!

water is wet, and other reasons my kids cry

Big kids don't cry. Just kidding.

Okay, I know this is a played-out concept, but this is my life, so here are my unofficial submissions to the "reasons my kid is crying" phenomenon... (i'm like tee-ball and these guys - Jason Good & Greg Pembroke - are major league).

When we hang out with people who are not familiar with Jack's ways, we often hear "What's the matter?/What's wrong with him?/Is everything alright?/Please for the love of God and everything Holy DO SOMETHING TO STOP THAT RACKET!" I have to assure them that it's perfectly normal for my children (mainly the bigger one) to scream like someone set their hair on fire for any number of reasons, e.g.,

He wants to go to the water park, but he doesn't want to get wet.

A wave splashed him at the beach.

His sister splashed him in the pool/bathtub.

She threw something out of reach, and she's mad because she can't reach it.

IT SMELLS LIKE TOAST.

She wants to stick scissors in her ear.

His shirt isn't long enough.

His shirt is too long.

Mom said he couldn't wear PJs to school.

Mom chose to wear a skirt to work instead of pants.

Dad wanted to change out of his work clothes before snuggling his peanut-butter-coated children. (And by "peanut butter" I mean locally-sourced almond butter processed in an American factory that does not even think about peanuts.)

The sandbox ate his socks.

His "weinow" is "[s]tuck." Don't ask.

He wanted to try the hot sauce. And I let him.

She drank bubbles.

His feet got sandy at the beach.

We didn't call him "The Blue Player."

We called him "The Blue Player" at the wrong time.

We poorly played the part of the adoring baseball fans.

We said "Good job!"

We didn't say "Good job!"

She wants to take off her own shirt but she can't take off her own shirt.

She wants to be IN the bath and OUT of the bath AT THE SAME TIME.

His sister wants a hug.

His sister doesn't want a hug.

He didn't want to have his picture taken, so we took the picture without him.

I wouldn't let her OD on baby tylenol.

I wouldn't let him OD on gummy vitamins.

I wouldn't let him rip the nose off his teddy bear so that it matched his cousin's.

I didn't buy him a "supwise" for not crying.

He "would like to be a gwown up," which to him entails drinking adult beverages out of glasses and playing with knives. Because he gets to 'at [s]chool.'

I would not let him have an Oreo pop for breakfast.

I forgot to bring a delicious and nutritious snack buffet for the 90 second car ride home.

She handed me a half-eaten banana and I didn't have it when she asked for it 45 minutes later.

also check out these jill greenberg photos of crying babies. hilarious and heart breaking.

sh*t my husband says

In "real life" -

"You're funny, for a girl."
Oh yeah? Well.... your brain has the shell on it!

After returning from a trip to the market with a 2-year-old Jack: "He made me buy Skittles."

Me (as I'm baking cookies): "I hope our kids like my cooking."
DM: "Yeah, I was just thinking about that. I have a feeling we're going to hear 'I'm eating over at Millie's house' a lot."
Ouch! And a corollary -
ME: "Jack, how's that chicken mama made? Good or bad?"
J: "Bad."
Alrighty then. lol. Millie's house it is!

"Nice ascot."
Yes. An ascot. Otherwise known, in some circles, as a scarf.

While we are out on 'Date Night' - "Are those jeans, or sweatpants?"
Um... Jeans... That are apparently going to Goodwill tomorrow?

 

"I love being married to you. I know we'll always have Ziploc bags around."
Awww. Thanks, baby. So romantic.

"You touched my pepperoni. That's true love."
FYI, that's not innuendo. I actually touched pepperoni. I'll take his pepperoni over his raw chicken any day! ;)

"[Our mutual friend] really likes you. This weekend he said, 'Can we just talk about the fact that you're married to pretty much the coolest chick ever?' And I was like, 'Wait, who am I married to?'"
Lol, wtf, man?! In his defense, only people that do not know me very well would think that about me :)

Brother-in-law: "Do you have a soldering gun?"
DM: "No. I have a hot glue gun for crafting? Does that help?"
Editor's note: We actually used the hot glue gun to fix the electronics after the soldering iron failed!

"Oh sh*t. It's my mom's birthday tomorrow? Did we get her a card?"
Yes, "we" did.

Went out to bars with friends. Went to their house afterwards. JW commences baking a cake. DM: "I hereby dub you Drunken Contessa."

DM took the day off to watch a sick newbie Colby-baby. I texted to see how it was going and I received this reply: "Watching infomercial called 'Brazilian Butts.' All is well."

I had some weird itchy rash on my legs and DM was like, "Maybe all your cellulite is melting off"...
Ummmm.... mayyybe.... ?

Me, putting on makeup wearing just "jorts" (my shirt was in the dryer). DM: "You're like a Guess mom jeans commercial."
Oh yeah? Well you're like the "Before" guy in a Rogaine commercial. Just kidding! You're barely even that bald, and anyway, I still love you, even though I know what's in store <3

While I am pregnant -

Me: "How does this dress look?"
DM: "Like a mumu."
Soooo... I should not wear this one to the baby shower???

DM: "You don't even look pregnant in that dress. People will probably just think you're a little overweight."

Me, dressed in black gaucho pants and a black top. DM: "You look like a pregnant ninja."
Not an inaccurate assessment. But still.

Me, dressed in brown yoga pants and a brown fleece, "I know I'm sort of monochromatic right now." DM: "I wasn't going to say anything, but you look like a giant tootsie roll."

DM: "Whoa, you're like wider than you are tall right now."
Me: *incredulous stare*
DM: "Not fat. Just, you know, really... thick."
ME: "Please stop talking."
DM: "Yeah okay, good call."

While I am recovering from being pregnant -

For some reason I brought my "skinny" maternity jeans - as in - maternity jeans that hadn't fit me in 3 months, in my hospital bag. As I'm struggling to get dressed to leave the hospital after giving birth to his daughter, DM says, "You probably should have brought some more forgiving clothes - it doesn't look like those are gonna work out for ya."
Thanks for the input, Captain Obvious!

"You look good, for someone who just had a baby." ... Um... thanks?

"At least you're thinner than when you were pregnant." Is that a compliment?

Sh*t Other People's Husbands Say -

JW, to TW, his beautifully pregnant wife: "It's amazing that your legs still look so good when you are generally enormous otherwise."

JW, after TW had stopped nursing their first child: "Awwww, sad, your boobs look like helium balloons three days after a birthday party."

GD, to his (reluctantly) pregnant wife upon her return from a business trip: "Wow, honey, you're getting huge! I love it!"

DP bought a maternity suit skirt. She tried it on at home and asked her husband if it looked decent enough for work. He responded, "I mean, it's fine, but I wouldn't pose for a picture in it or anything."

Oh, and she's not my husband, but sometimes I wish she was - our erstwhile nanny. When I was pregnant with Colby and found out she was a girl, I came home and told the nanny and she said, "I knew it! I always say you can tell someone's having a girl when their face gets kinda puffy and they look pregnant from behind.... Oh... I don't mean it like that... You look great."... Riggggght... hahaha :)

Okay. One of my cousins has some good material. I was going to try to come up with cheese names for all of them. She suggested Limburger for her husband, Muenster for her son, and Brie for her daughter. I was trying to think of a name for her but I'm kind of at a loss. Maybe Pepper? By the way, do you know there's a cheese called Cougar Gold? That's gonna come in handy at some point.

Anyway. Some of Limburger's gems - "No, it's not that [I don't want to hold your hand after you just delivered my first-born son], but you have some blood, or slime, or something foreign on your wrist." This coming from someone who guts deer and finds pleasure in raw meat! Apparently he would not touch her until she had washed the placenta or other unidentified schmeg from her hands! Ha!

When Muenster was born, Pepper had mild pre-eclampsia so she had to be induced. As she was being hooked up to the Pitocin, Limburger consulted the Google Medical School archives, proceeded to read aloud all the potential side effects, and then pronounced, "Ooooh, this is gonna hurt!" Then, after she requested an epidural and the anesthetist arrived, he said "Ooooh, that needle is at least 8 inches long!" Sounds like he needs to work on his bedside manner!

With Brie, Pepper's water broke at 2am and her contractions were intense immediately. They lived about 15 minutes from the hospital. She woke 'Burger, writhing in pain, and hobbled down the stairs, thinking he was basically right behind her. She waited, and waited. After about 5 minutes she crawled back to the apartment to discover him wrapped in a towel and shaving. She asked "What on earth are you doing?! Hello! I am having a baby. Like, NOW. There is presently a head coming out of my woman parts!" His eyes widened and he said, "Like, now now?! I was just shaving. I wanted to be fresh when she met me. I should probably finish. Can you wait that long?" Pepper had Brie 15 minutes later (they made it to the hospital, but barely) and she did NOT get the epidural. She screamed at him and told him to grow a beard :))

A funny story from another friend - Whenever anyone tells MH and her husband that their toddler is "advanced," her hubby replies, "She still sh*ts her pants. She ain't that smart!" Ha!

he has definitely said this.

worst vegetarian ever

when i was very young, my mom would fly across the country with me and bring "yummy snacks" to keep me happy. according to family lore, these snacks were raw carrot sticks and broccoli stalks. mmmmm. YUM-O. she wasn't a crazy health nut or anything - i definitely remember her baking lots of sweet treats and making a mean velveeta-bean dip. but i also remember her putting wheat germ in her pancakes and weird things like fennel seed in her pizza dough and instead of bologna sandwiches with kraft singles on wonder bread, my lunches were packed with pita pockets stuffed with alfalfa sprouts. that actually doesn't sound half bad now, but believe you me, that shit's worth diddly-squat in the cut-throat currency of the elementary school lunchbox black market.

i remember i wasn't even allowed to have honey nut cheerios. only plain ones, or probably something worse from the food co-op, like spelty-Os. i remember sometimes i would spend the night at my grandma's house and before bed she and i would each have a bowl of raisin bran and wooooeeeee did i think that was somethin' special. bran flakes and california raisins. partay! once my mom went on a business trip and i somehow convinced my father to buy me a box of lucky charms. (reminds me of this one time at my local coffee shop where a dad and his 3 year old daughter were eating enormous chocolate chip cookies at 7am and the dad was like, "don't tell your mother this is what you had for breakfast." ha!) it was like winning the lottery. i probably ate half the box, bounced off the walls for a while, and spent the next 24 hours in a sugar coma, but whatever. it was worth it. i STILL love lucky charms. there will always be a special place in my heart for stale marshmallows of any kind. post-easter clearance peeps, i'm lookin' at you.

if my mom's healthy eating habits had stuck, that would have been great, but even she had given up by the time my little brother rolled onto the scene eleven years later. it may have had something to do with the fact that he was allergic to milk, eggs, and beef.... that or she had just given up by then. little man stuffed marshmallows into his mouth straight from the bag, and had lucky charms for breakfast every day. i believe he subsisted solely on lucky charms without milk and chicken taquitos for the first five years of his life. perhaps if moms had stuck to her guns, i would have carried her good intentions into my own adult life, but actually, the opposite occurred, and i secretly blame the alfalfa sprouts. i think being deprived of sugar for the first half of my childhood instilled an insatiable craving for sweets and salts* and gave me an emotional allergy to vegetables. (*the salt habit is definitely her fault. before she and my dad divorced, she would drive my paternal grandparents crazy because she would put salt on all the food they cooked before she even tried it. she called it "just-in-case salt." makes sense to me!)

vegetables had already left their scar on my soul by the tender age of ... whatever age you are in third grade. 8? 9? anyway, that year, i won the illustrious st. philomene's "wings of the dove" writing contest for a short story called "vegetable face," in which a young girl named endive was repeatedly scolded for not eating her vegetables. finally, she succumbed to parental pressure and wouldn't you know it, she woke up the next morning and her face had been transformed into the very vegetables her mother had forced her to eat. that'll teach you, mom!

food art by alex j. jefferies.
this is f*cking terrifying.
going to go have some nightmares now.

so, as you can see, vegetables and i have a tortured history. despite our challenges, however, i decided to become a vegetarian in 8th grade. this was partly because i was 13 and wanted to save all of the animals and also the planet, and partly because my little sister reveled in my reaction when she would openly discuss the furry, cuddly, doe-eyed sources of our meals. "mom, bacon's made out of pigs, right? little piggies are delicious!" "mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb." "mmmm. hamburger. too bad this tastes so good because cows are cute." "do they really use horse hooves to make jello? my little ponayyyyy."

but i actually don't miss meat at all. once when i was pregnant i thought i had a craving for a tuna fish sandwich (i remember my grandma's being SO GOOD!) but you're not supposed to have tuna anyway, so i didn't act on it. then i recently smelled one and was like, wtf, that's disgusting, why on earth would anyone want to eat anything that smelled like that? so yeah, getting rid of the animal-y type things wasn't hard. i could probably even get rid of eggs if i had to. they skeeve me out 78% of the time anyway. but there is just one small snag in my life plan as a vegetarian.

i don't like vegetables.

okay actually this is not entirely true. my friends and family like to say this as a hilarious joke every single time we share a meal but i actually DO like vegetables. some of them. just not the ones that vegetarians are supposed to like, like portobello mushrooms (um, slimy zombie flesh?) and eggplant (in the words of Jason Good, "hey, can I get a tiny purple pumpkin in the shape of human kidney that tastes like dirt?" thanks but i think i'll pass!) and when we go out to a nice dinner and all they have for vegetarians is "pasta primavera," or god forbid a "roasted vegetable platter," i literally want to cry. i mean, seriously? not even some cheesy mashed potatoes or panko-crusted mac & cheese or a deep fried vegetable? help a sistah out!

here is a list of the vegetables that i actually like:

slightly overcooked broccoli, lima beans, carrots, and peas. fresh cucumbers. avocado obviously (oh wait is that a fruit?). and i actually still weirdly like peeled raw broccoli stalks. asparagus - like the top 1.5 inches. corn (but DO NOT put that shit right on the grill, i beg you. i'm not even stressing about the residual animal flesh, it just tastes like charred ass that way). bell peppers. banana peppers. jalapenos! green beans. crunchy lettuce that is completely covered in dressing. jicama (ditto on the dressing). black eyed peas, when evenly dispersed in a delicious persian rice dish. edamame with a shit ton of salt or that delicious 7 spice from world market. most any manner of potato (including sweet potatoes and, obviously, french fries, though strangely i do not love potato chips - except those salt & pepper kettle chips a.k.a. "heart attack crack," mmmmmm. yes. now that is my kind of "vegetable." :)) sugar snap peas. pickled beets. radishes. sprouts (when sandwiched by bread and cheese and mayonnaise). lentils, when made into a soup with so much sodium it could kill a lab rat. most all beans but black beans are my least favorite and unfortunately those are usually the only ones not made with the juices of swine or fowl. wait. i'm getting into legume territory. does that even count?

vegetables that i will eat without too much fuss:

raw carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, celery, snow peas, zucchini or similarly shaped squash. pumpkin or butternut squash if made into soup that consists of 4/5 cream and 1/5 salt. onions when they are cooked in some other sort of deliciousness. spinach. tomatoes walk a very fine line. i like super salty tomato soup as a dipping sauce for grilled cheese. does that count? i will eat tiny diced tomatoes in a salad. i think i have had three delicious tomatoes in my life so the odds are not in their favor. sometimes i forget i don't really like tomatoes thought and i get them on sandwiches and i inevitably end up with sliced tomato carcasses on my plate. or i give them to my friend :) also aren't they technically fruits anyway? sneaky bastards. also not a huge fan of arugula. tastes like bitter weeds. pretty sure it's not actually meant for human consumption, it was just some genius marketing coup following a bad lettuce crop one year.

vegetables i WILL NOT TOLERATE:

eggplant and any kind of mushroom - ESPECIALLY PORTOBELLOS. blarf. brussel sprouts. nope. get them out of my face right now. spaghetti squash. IT LOOKS LIKE WORMS.

the end.

oh yeah also i love cheese and bread more than i love my children sometimes so that, too, is an impediment to a healthy and balanced vegetarian diet. sure, i don't mind certain vegetables but i will choose cheese and bread over your goddamn pasta primavera every. single. time.

ps, before anyone freaks out at me, i make one or more vegetables for dinner (almost) every night. usually i make things i don't hate. sometimes i even make things i don't really like and i pretend i'm eating dinner with the president of the united states and i'm not going to tell him that i'd rather die than eat a portobello mushroom mushrooms aren't my favorite so i have to act like mmmmm, yes, this is deeeelicious! i also cook meat for my dear husband and children, even though i don't eat it. side note. cooking chicken. i don't get it. am i the only one who feels the need to burn down my entire kitchen after handling raw chicken in order to stave off the next major salmonella outbreak? sick. it actually works out alright since i usually almost burn down my kitchen every time i cook anyway.

just discovered this blogger lady, jj keith. obsessed.
also, check out her pinterest board,
"mother fucking homemaking." killing it.

the biggest mistake you will never regret

for some reason Blogger's version of pacific standard time is ahead of reality so it's kind of like i'm talking to you from the FUTURE....

so. one of my brother's friends got a tubal ligation when she was 20. she was that certain she didn't want to have kids, ever. she recently spent some time with me and my kids which may have served to reaffirm the decision in her mind. still. i'm extremely curious about what kind of doctor would perform this sort of irreversible medical procedure on a 20 year old who, no offense, doesn't know shit. [i know this comes off as paternalistic and patronizing, but i'm only speaking from experience, as a person who once thought she knew all of the things, but recently discovered she does not know any of the things.... and i think this is a pretty common path to (dis)enlightenment.] anyway, that's a different issue altogether.

then, a single (or rather, serially dating) male friend of mine asked me whether i thought he would someday regret not having kids. i got to thinking about the decision whether or not to have kids in the context of this blog post/article/open letter that has been floating around online for years and keeps resurfacing. (it has been reposted eleventy billion times all over the interwebs as early as 2008 but i can't seem to find who actually wrote it.) a girlfriend of mine just posted it again. it's basically a mom and her grown daughter, and the daughter "half-jokingly" says she's taking a survey on whether she and her husband should have a baby. the mom says "it will change your life" and the daughter replies, "i know, no more sleeping in, no more spontaneous vacations..." but the mom is like, gurrrrrrl, that will be the LEAST of your concerns! just kidding :) she goes on to talk about all the ways that motherhood will change you - ways that you wouldn't have believed in a million years and ways that you won't understand until you realize that those changes have already occurred. the way it's written, the mom appears to keep the inner dialogue to herself - because, to be honest - it's not something you could ever adequately explain, even if you tried. so instead, she simply says, "you will never regret it."

and i think she's right. maybe my personal experience and sample pool are misleading, but i know a lot of people with kids. people who had "oops" babies at 18. people who had "oops" babies at 45. people who tried for years before finally having a baby (or three!) people who always wanted babies and got pregnant every time they tried. people who couldn't have babies and adopted. people who could have babies and adopted. of all of the baby-makers, baby-bakers and baby-caretakers i know, i have never met anyone who regretted having children, whether it was a well-thought-out decision or a total surprise. as i've said before, i may have momentary regrets, for a minute, an hour, or the duration of a cross country flight, but all in all, my kids (and their co-creator ;)) are, hands-down, the best parts of my world. i was never one of those girls who always dreamed of being a mommy, but when i thought about my future, there were two kid-shaped spots in it. (until i had one. then that double-wide spot shrank down to a single. but we ultimately braved baby #2 and i could not be happier or more thankful that we did.) plus, when i was in 5th grade that game MASH told me i was going to have two kids, so obviously, my fate was sealed ;)

though baby boy was a wee bit of a surprise, i'm assuming the infamous "biological clock" would have started ticking eventually. in any event, we would have started trying sooner rather than later, because we knew someday we wanted to be parents, and also because both my Ob-Gyn and my former employer had recently told me i better get on it because my eggs were rotting. anyway, the point is, if i could do it all again, i wouldn't change a thing. (well, i might change one tiny part - to wait until after (or during!) the month-long belated honeymoon trip to Costa Rica and Nicaragua - as opposed to finding out two days before we left! i'm still campaigning for a do-over. ;))

but the bottom line is, being a mom is the best thing, EVER. unfortunately, it is also the WORST thing ever. i read a quote once - "motherhood is the only way to experience heaven and hell at the same time." truer words were never spoken. it melts your heart and kicks your ever-lovin ass. anyone who says different is drunk, high, or LYING. but at the end of the day, you'll never regret it. i don't know if it's hormones or pheromones or Stockholm Syndrome or pregnancy-induced psychosis or all of the above, but once you drink that koolaid, there's just no turning back.

the question is.... what if you don't drink the koolaid? i've seen another quote (i love me some quotes) that says something along the lines of "people with kids and people without kids are always feeling sorry for the other.." but i think that's only half true. maybe child-free people don't know what they're missing, but i, for one, do know what i'm missing! lazy mornings. naps. a clean house. the luxury of deciding what i want to do today. spontaneity. rowdy sex during the daylight hours. vacations. (i'm talking about vacations, not a "family trips.") reading a book on the couch or having a cheesy movie marathon on a rainy day. peeing alone. self-indulgent sick days. deciding to have wine and popcorn for dinner (or breakfast! sub mimosas for wine, obv). sunbathing without being interrupted every 13 seconds to save one of my kids from drowning. i better stop before i go jump out my 18th floor window. oh wait. i don't have a window. phew, lol.

i saw an ad on TV recently - i think it was for expedia. they were walking up to strangers in a park and saying hey, i have this ticket to Fiji (or Australia or Japan or wherever it was), it leaves in 3 hours, wanna go? most people said no. but someone said yes (or at least, a paid actor made me believe he was "Joe 9-to-5" and he said "Hell yes!")... sigh.... that will never be me again. at least, not for the next 16 years, six months, and 5 days ;) i need at least 2 weeks' notice to schedule a happy hour. transcontinental vacation? fuhgeddaboutit. that's just not my life anymore. and while i wouldn't trade what i have for the world, i sure do miss parts of that old life! which is why, when friends ask me if i think they'll regret not having kids, i'm like, "Hell no!" now, i'm not necessarily advocating making that decision permanently at the age of 20. but if you're of "that age" and you're feeling the pressure from mom or grandma or your perfect happily married sister who's on her 4th angel baby and you're wondering whether you should have kids "before it's too late," then my answer to you is a resounding "NO!" one of my besto's has a rule = "No Shoulds." try it! it'll change your life! and of all the things in the entire universe, the decision whether or not to reproduce is probably the best possible place to employ this simple philosophy. if you want them, by all means, get busy! if not, or if you're just on the fence about it, or maybe you don't but feel like you "should," then don't do it! i think i can safely say that your life will be infused with plenty of passion, love and meaning, and hey, if for any reason you need a little kid fix, i will happily loan my tiny terrorists to you any day of the week. i also think i may have seen some for rent or sale in Tijuana. just kidding. sort of.

this same logic also applies to the "should we have a second child or just have the one and only?" decision, which, apparently, draws nearly as much BS as the decision to remain child-free. i don't really understand that at all. it's such a personal decision. i mean, i'm sorry, but, whose uterus are we talking about here?! you might as well be advising me which brand of tampons to use, for all the stake you have in the decision, only, in this case, the tampons cost at least $241,080 and are an 18+ year commitment.

seriously though. i can't even pretend to understand the stress and turmoil this societal/familial pressure causes, especially for a female of child-bearing age. i have some friends (men and women, single and couples) who have decided not to have kids. notably, nobody really gives the guys any flak. it's always the ones with the uteri that get it. you would not believe some of the shit people say! family members, and even complete strangers. it's appalling. i wish i could be there to give the speakers a violent shake and say, do you think that is helpful??? AT ALL??? but you can't let someone bully you into a decision like that. also, FYI, in case you can't tell by the rapid proliferation of wrinkles and gray hair and the mismatched flip flops and the magic marker cheek- and forehead-tattoos and the declining IQ and the eternal state of frazzle - this shit's freaking hard as f*ck. i would not recommend it if you're just looking for a new hobby. try pilates or get a gerbil instead.

or a hedgehog. omg. LOOK AT IT!

* i asked my brother to ask his friend if it was okay to write about some of our convos on the blog. he was like, "i'll ask her but i'm sure it's fine. you gotta use non-baby blog fodder where you can get it!" ha! don't be silly, brother. obviously i'll still find a way to make this about children ;)
[update: my brother just read this and informed me (out of some sense of obligation to his friend or to the maligned medical professional, i'm not sure ;)) that there was a pre-existing condition as well as psychological counsel that went into his friend's decision, she didn't just show up at a doc-in-the-box on tubes-tied-tuesday. sorry. i am not an investigative journalist ;)]
** update #2 - my "serially dating" (male) friend mentioned above just asked me "Can you get pregnant on birth control?" Me: "If you do not take it at the same time every day as directed, yes." Him: "Shit. I had unprotected sex with this girl I just started dating. But she showered afterwards so that helps, right?" ummmmmmmmm............ wait. what? it helps her SMELL BETTER. it does not WASH THE SPERM OUT OF HER VAGINA!!!!!
*** by the way, i hope no part of this post comes off as "oh people without kids just don't get it" (except this ^ guy. ya gotta love 'im, but he clearly does not get it, and by "it," i mean, basic anatomy, biology, and life). but, there are some wonderful and terrible things about parenthood that you can't know until you live through them, just as there are things i will never know again, e.g., what it is like to have expendable income, have uninterrupted conversations with grown-ups about grown-up things, get dressed without someone pointing out that my belly is "squishy," my butt "looks funny," or dumping the entire contents of my underwear drawer on the floor, and hey, maybe even use the bathroom without having to hear a play-by-play. in fact, i actually get some of my best parenting advice from people without kids. something about not being "in the shit" (literally and figuratively) gives them some useful perspective and insight. and/or the fact that they have access to 63% more brain cells than i do.


this is funny. from momlogic.com on the parents zone.
i like that it highlights my one major qualification for being a mom -
i <3 disneyland!!!