kissin' wears out

I was going through my mom's old recipes yesterday. Not sure why, exactly, since I am not cooking anything for Thanksgiving this year. Seriously. Even though I am sort of accidentally hosting a sizeable shindig, I am not cooking a single. damn. thing. Thank you, Sprouts Farmers Market, for catering (literally) to the domestically challenged. I am surprisingly unapologetic about it, too. Years past I would have explained and justified and excused and apologized ten ways to Sunday for my woefully inadequate domestic skills. But I don't know. I just don't feel that bad.

One of the only things I've actually learned as a parent (aside from the mind-boggling vastness of what I do not know), is that time is precious and I don't want to spend it doing things I don't want to do just because I feel that I "should." As my BFF Claire always says, "'Should' is a bad word."

This is not to say I don't waste precious minutes on a lot of stupid shit. I will spend hours, DAYS, and an exorbitant amount of dollars crafting a Christmas ornament wreath I could buy for half the price on Etsy, because that brings me JOY. But running around like a sweaty maniac in the 24 hours prior to Thanksgiving so that I can serve mediocre, luke-warm food that is ready in seven different shifts is just not something I enjoy doing. Oreo pops, picture perfect cupcakes, and a biannual pumpkin pie? Yes, please. Fisting a slimy turkey carcass and spending the ensuing 8 hours in a hazmat suit trying to eradicate salmonella from my entire home? Thanks but I think I'll pass.

It reminds me of this time one of my aunts was stressing to my mom about the chore of buying and writing and sending Christmas cards. My mom's response? Don't do them. It might not feel easy, but it really is.

Of course, my mom didn't always follow her own advice. But by the time she passed, she had evolved into one of the more skilled liberators of "shoulds" I ever knew. It takes a lifetime of practice, but my end goal, a salty blue-haired grandma in a leopard velour tracksuit who gives zero f*cks, will be well worth the effort.

You too can engage in the emancipation. Just give it a try. You won't be sorry. Set those f*cks free. Send those shoulds packing. Fly away, onerous expectations. And bask in your newfound freedom :)

Anyway. I was looking through my mom's recipe book. This is the emblem on the top of her old recipe cards:

"kissin' wears out. cookin' don't."

Well shit. Guess I better up my kissin' game ;)

Have a great Thanksgiving, friends. Hope it's full of YOUR kind of happy.

Like shrooms and alcohol.

Siri just doesn't get me.

in the spirit of thanktidude

I meant to post this on Thanksgiving, but then, I didn't.

It was gonna be a TBT + Thanksgiving Double Whammy. It's a Facebook post from Thanksgiving 5 years ago... when I was a couple weeks away from embarking on a (belated) sun-drenched, rum-infused month-long honeymoon to Costa Rica and Nicaragua. Unbeknownst to me, I was actually like 2 weeks pregnant at the time, and the honeymoon would be less rum-infused and more fainting, barfing, and spending time in a Nicaraguan ER. Can't win 'em all!

Anyway, pre-beastie-babies, this is what I was thankful for:

iced coffee from 7-11, and crunchy soda fountain ice at am/pm. < shit. where's an AM/PM?! get in my mouth, crunchy ice!

tj maxx, ross, and marshalls... and holiday sales at cost plus/world market and tarszhay. < who isn't thankful for this. 

my house. < and my job, so I can pay the mortgage on said house.

my best buddy, Ole Blue, in any of her many iterations... sleeping curled up in a black furry ball, or on her back in faux-rigor-mortis, snoring like a fat old man, snuggling, spazzing, displaying inappropriate behavior towards chew toys, or tending fastidiously to a bone with her legs splayed out behind her like a frog. < awwwww :( I love our new furry baby to bits but there will only ever be one Blue!

emoji :) < and exclamation points!

it's November and its 75 degrees outside. < this.

my husband is not a douchebag. in fact, just the opposite. he is the best friend, partner, and accomplice a girl could ask for. also best bartender and mixer of powdered beverages. makes my heart hurt. in a good way.

eggnog and Christmas music.

the best group of friends, EVER. < seriously. sixteen years later and still going strong. you know those friends with whom you have a collective consciousness? them. there are memories and sayings that I honestly don't even know if I was there for, but it feels like they are in my own mind. from verdrunken no-pants parties in college to family barbecues, quarterly baby showers, and grown up cocktails, I wouldn't trade them for the world.

my new laptop that takes less than 17 minutes to accomplish any given task.

my sister, brother, pops, and of course my nephew, mister bacon bit, who i'd choose even if they weren't already family... not to mention my in-laws who are pretty awesome too.

trader joe's and sprouts and farmers markets and other places you can buy affordable, non-carcinogenic food. < don't get me wrong. there's a time and a place for carcinogenic food, e.g., Friday nights.

the Encinitas public library. < the best.

birth control. < yeah. still a big fan. but opting for more reliable methods (i.e. ones that are a little more forgiving of human error).

the sheer magnitude of calories burned in hot yoga. < I don't care if i'll gain it all back before morning, I just lost three pounds, bitches!

blockbuster nights. < remember blockbuster??? sub Netflix. or better yet, sub my bed and a good book.

cheese. bread. cheeseandbread. manhattan giant pizza and pillsbury crescent rolls. alcoholic beverages derived from grapes. cholula, tobasco, chili garlic and sweet chili sauce. ranch. garlic salt. avocados. lima beans. berries. fresh-squeezed oj. real whipped cream. crepes. < and sriracha. whenever we meet new people, one of the first things my husband likes to say is that i'm a vegetarian who hates vegetables. they inevitably look at me strangely and ask, "so, what DO you eat?" first of all, this is an exaggeration. I like at least three vegetables. second of all, in what universe is a diet of bread, dairy and condiments not okay? do you hate America or something???

the (friends of) humane society de tijuana and the amazing work they do. even the spanglish name has grown on me.

people that give the courtesy wave... let you cut in line when you only have one item in your basket... and all other random acts of kindness. < seriously! the courtesy wave. some basic human decency is all i ask. 

a $12 pedicure, even if its a little scary. < fuck that. i'm too old for that shit.

flowers and funny love notes. < I remember those. sigh.

dinners out, not to mention the fact that we can afford them. sort of. < I remember those. sigh. I appreciate them TEN TIMES MORE now!

bev-mo's 5 cent wine sales. < I appreciate them TEN TIMES MORE now!

facebook's privacy settings. < Remember when Facebook had privacy settings and wasn't in collusion with the NSA and the thought police?

working from home. < when the children are at school.

long-ass and hilarious email threads with my besties. < makes working at work bearable.

the baskin robbin's employee who asked me if i had a preference, top or bottom (for my scoops of ice cream, of course!) < does baskin robbins even exist anymore?

street fairs. and etsy - the mega street fair of the internet super highway.

funfetti cupcakes and homemade cookie dough.

i am thankful in advance for the kindle that santa is bringing me for christmas! < funny! santa is bringing me a new one this year, my ghetto five year old model finally bit the dust.

plane tickets to and from central America - we're finally taking a honeymoon, woot! < DO-OVER!

mochi balls. except the green tea flavor that tastes like an ash tray.

thanksgiving in delaware that will consist of sitting, chatting, watching football, and eating. and eating. and eating. my kind o' party! < i do love the persian thanksgiving in DE but i was also very thankful for our quiet thanksgiving and no airplane travel this year!

the fact i no longer have to buy a whole cd with 13 songs i don't like. sorry eddie veder and other itunes haters.

clean public bathrooms. < More than ever now, as my little people are guaranteed to touch at least thirteen surfaces with their bare hands/asses.

a cold rainy morning. < slightly less appreciative of these now, as it means I'm stuck inside with three stir-crazy Tasmanian devils.

live music in small venues.

obama. and michelle. < sigh. i still love michelle. and i want to give Obama a hug.

push up bras and anti-muffin-top thongs. < preach!

the fact that i don't have to use books to shepardize cases (or conduct legal research in general). < can you imagine??? what did people do before the internet?

brunch! < sigh. brunch. that glorious, sleepy sunday pastime of the childless class. now it's more like, a greased pig race and an eating contest all rolled into one. not quite the same.

the retired sheriffs volunteer patrol. < serving new grandpas daily!

and I would probably add a couple of items for 2014:

my children. as much as I want to throw them in the river for fish food, they give my life joy and meaning, blah blah blah. seriously though. they give me all of that. also gray hairs.

parents who are not assholes. and kids who are not assholes. (I haven't actually found any yet, but a girl can dream.)

my friends (and family) who still love me even though I am an asshole parent.

bounty select-a-size paper towels, honest baby wipes, and economy packs of toilet paper.

back-up cameras. particularly in the preschool parking lot.

my real, big-girl camera that is almost fast enough to catch my children moving at normal child speeds a.k.a. faster than the speed of light (except when you are trying to get out of the house on time. then? slower than molasses). 

The Google and amazon prime.

and this. the motherfucking grilled cheese cronut. you can actually cross out the 53 items above and leave just this one:

photo: huff post taste

give thanks

i posted this approximately three years ago. funny that i mention birth control and my belated honeymoon in costa rica and nicaragua where i planned to marinate in rum for 3 weeks. turns out i was, in fact, pregnant, and would spend most of my trip tethered to disgusting toilets, fainting on gnatty carpets and/or in a ghetto nicaraguan ER.

it's not thanksgiving yet, but i'm thankful already, and always...

reasons, just to name a few...

* iced coffee from 7-11, and crunchy soda fountain ice at am/pm.
* tj maxx and tarzshay. target and i are on a break. i'm tired of getting used and abused by that dude. just kidding. i still love you! i'll see you next week. 

* my pimp pad. i love my house. but man it feels a lot smaller now than it once did!
* my best buddy, ole blue. that crazy fuzz bucket will always be my original baby, even though there has since been two new furry additions to our family (I'm referring to my hirsute little humans ;)) 

* emoticons.
* it's november and its 75 degrees outside. Sadly, it is not 75 degrees in delaware.
* my husband is not a twat-waffle (this is my fave new word, can you tell? interestingly, urban dictionary.com fails to illuminate whether or not the term requires a hyphen). in fact, just the opposite. he is my best friend. also the best bartender and mixer of powdered beverages. and most importantly, THE BEST dad. makes my heart hurt. in a good way.
* eggnog. spiked. obv.
* the best group of friends, EVER. SO thankful for my friends, who make me laugh so hard i need pantiliners... who make me feel smart and skinny and pretty and witty, and like i'm not a complete and total fuck-up at this mom gig. i'm so glad that - so far - we've survived the "30 year spread" GD warned us about! ;)
* a new laptop that takes less than 17 minutes to accomplish any given task.
* my fam, especially my sis, bro, pops, and of course mister bacon bit.. (ahhh! bacon is FIVE. wtf.) and last but not least, my hearts, Jackson jay and Colby Jean. 
* trader joe's and henry's for letting me pretend i'm healthy.
* the internets. kind of a love-hate thing :)
* the encinitas library. where i now wear a disguise. (see backlink, above).
* birth control. more thankful for this now than ever - though i chose i more idiot proof route this time around ;)
* the sheer magnitude of calories burned in hot yoga. yo-what? the only exercise i've done since june is... never mind. does it count if you think about exercising?
* blockbuster nights. i remember those. *sigh.* 
* cheese. bread. or better yet, cheeseandbread. manhattan giant pizza and pillsbury crescent rolls. alcoholic beverages derived from grapes. cholula, tobasco, sriracha, chili garlic and sweet chili sauce. ranch. garlic salt. avocados. berries. fresh-squeezed oj. real whipped cream. crepes.
* people that give the courtesy wave... let you cut in line when you only have one item in your basket... and all other random acts of kindness.
* a $10 pedicure, even if its a little scary. eff that. i can afford a grown up pedicure now.
* flowers and funny love notes. i remember those. *sigh.* ;)
* dinners out, not to mention the fact that we can afford them. sort of. this is me on "date night" - it's like when you're in a cab and you only have a finite amount of cash and you see the meter just ticking up by the second... i'm like, okay, dinner is $80. the movie is $40 (because we are spoiled and only like to go to the "fancy" aka fat lazy people theaters). popcorn? soda? nah, i'm good. i'll just have some water from the drinking fountain over here and these smooshed linty milk duds from the bottom of my mom purse, deeelicious! .... man, this blooper reel is gonna cost us another $10... sorry honey, we can make out once we get back home and pay the sitter. i'm such a romantic ;)

* bev-mo's 5 cent wine sale. more thankful for this now than ever. those kids. i love them to death but they drive me to the drink.
* facebook's privacy settings. Ha. "privacy."
* working from home. and gainful employment in general. so grateful to be able to take care of myself and my family in a time when so many are deprived of this basic dignity. also thankful that I can work NOT from home in order to maintain a small shred of my sanity ;)
* the baskin robbin's employee who asked me if i had a preference, top or bottom (for my scoops of ice cream, of course!)
* farmer's markets and street fairs. and etsy. and pinterest! it's like a street fair for my mind! and free!
* funfetti cupcakes and homemade cookie dough.
* i am thankful in advance for the kindle that santa is bringing me for christmas! maybe santa will bring me a new new kindle this year, seeing as my crazy midget roommates like to use mine as a tennis racket.
* plane tickets to and from central america, with 3 weeks in between. can we get a mulligan???
* mochi balls. except the green tea flavor that tastes like an ash tray. ooh. i forgot about those. i need those. except maybe not right now, seeing as i've been gaining a pound a day with the inlaws ;)
* thanksgiving in delaware that will consist of sitting, chatting, watching football, and eating. and eating. and eating. my kind'a party!*
* the fact i no longer have to buy a whole cd with 13 songs i don't like. sorry eddie veder and other itunes haters. now, i just spend hundres of dollars on pop music $1.99 at a time! ;)
* clean public bathrooms. amen! especially with children! playing the "oh please for the love of god don't touch that" game is so not fun!
* a cold rainy morning. um, yeah, that was before toddlers.
* live music in small venues.
* obama. and michelle.  i still think michelle is cool ;)
* push up bras and anti-muffin-top thongs. if only i had the muffin top now i thought i had then!
* the fact that i don't have to use books to shepardize cases (or conduct legal research in general).
brunch!
* the retired sheriffs volunteer patrol. omg i love them.

a lot has changed in three years!!! wooeee. i'm still thankful for all the same basic things - family, friends, bread, cheese, books, booze, music, sunshine... I'd probably add iPads, chicken nuggets, Cheerios, gold fish, fruit snacks, fat pants, under eye concealer and dry shampoo. you know, the essentials...

*i am also particularly thankful for my "adopted" family (aka my inlaws) this year. i know for most or at least a lot of people, the holidays are about "going home." but i don't really have a "home" to go to. i feel bad saying that. i love my dad like nobody's business, and he even lives in my grandma's old house, but he's remarried and has a stepdaughter, the house has been remodeled, they have 5 cats, his dog tried to eat my son, little things like that... and ... it's just not the same. who knows. if my mom and stepdad were still alive, we'd probably be vacationing in mexico together as opposed to having stuffing and pie in sac-town, but i miss the idea of home, the feeling of it. that reminds me of this quote i love from the movie Garden State:

"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

anyway. it occurred to me this year that, after .. .what... six? seven? eight? years of going back east with my husband for the holidays, this is probably the closest thing i have to a "home." right down to the part where a seven day stay might be better in theory than in practice. haha. kidding. sort of ;) seriously though. i am just very thankful for this enormous, nutty family that makes me feel like i'm one of them. they have graciously welcomed me into their hearts and their lives and their overflowing dinner tables. they cook countless vegetarian dishes where meat is king. we still eat at "the kids' table." they cheerfully add serious poundage to our midsections. they love my children unconditionally, even when they are in the midst of one of their psychotic breaks. they tell me about DM as a kid. they argue, loudly, about politics and religion. they tell the same stories again and again. on occasion, they make awkward and/or extremely inappropriate comments. in other words, it feels just like home! and i'm just really happy to be here :) 

that is all. happy (tof)urkey day!

ps, i apologize in advance for typos and other weirdness, i am writing this on a keyboard with a broken space bar, where the T, H, F, B, G, and all vowels require brute force to type, and the internet connection appears to be routed through zimbabwe. omg. seriously. can't even spell check. it's so slow it's painful. like it is literally causing me physical pain. it is kind of making me want to hang myself with the wire that is connecting the mouse to the computer. i repeat. there is a wire. connecting the mouse. to the computer.

HA!
source: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/